People Will Forget What You Say...

11 Best Other Karine Polwart Songs

2012-02-11T15:55:00.010Z

As you probably know one of the singers/musicians who touches me most deeply (I won't say favourite, cause when I have favourites at some point they are replaced, and I this isn't the case in this point... this is... um... timeless) is Karine Polwart. Recently fuel/friends blogged about her "11 Best Other Ryan Adams Songs" - and here are the 11 Best Other Karine Polwart songs that if you've listened to her CDs you may not have picked up on (cause they're not on there), but which are magic!

These are mostly live recordings of protest songs and songs of social conscience, people's stories, traditional songs, new, more experimental collaborations...

1. Salters Road

This road passes by me on the other end.

2. King of Birds

Written for the Occupy Movement - as it was explained at Celtic Connections, 'the king of birds is the wren and Christopher Wren designed St. Paul's Cathedral after the Great Fire of London and this song traces that story through the ages.'

On soundcloud: King of Birds sketch IC 3 mp3

3. Ca' The Yowes (with Annie Grace and Corrine Hewat)

4. We're All Leaving (with Darwin Song Project)

This has turned into a wee theme song of mine. If you know Iona you'll understand. Written about the death of Darwin's daughter.

5. He Fades Away (Alistair Hulett)

A heartbreaking song written by Alistair Hulett about a man from the town of Wittenoom, which is now a ghost town due to the industrial disaster that was mining blue asbestos, causing mesothelioma in the miners. Covered by June Tabor originally, but just as beautiful with a quite different tone here.

6. Now Westlin' Winds

7. Since We've Fallen Out (with Burns Unit)

8. January Man (with Lau)

9. Thaney

Not that this comment influenced the video's inclusion in any way... "to the promised land in the west...Glasgow".

10. Medusa

11. House Of Cards

How many singers write songs about finance and the recession?

Too many books... read me your favourite line.

2011-12-03T15:55:00.004Z

Books.

I've alway liked books, good books. I find reading hard because once I get into a book I don't want to be released from that world until the last word, well, until after the last word, actually! So over the past few years I haven't read very many books, only when I've had time and one that has really called out, 'Read Me!'. However, since I have had more than enough time on my hands over the past few months I have been reading like Matilda! In fact I felt exactly like Matilda when I finally went to get my library card from the Edinburgh Central Library! You can get twelve whole books out... WOW.

What I have started to remember is how books are more than just stories to distract or entertain. A good book touches you deep inside, it speaks to your soul, to your experience, knowledge, beliefs, emotion. It speaks to the parts of you that fear, love, hope, dream, regret... Characters are not just made up people, they are bodiless souls, people you don't need permission to know, people who are never too busy to spend time with you. But these people and their stories are way more than companions, somehow your journey with them changes you, sometimes quite subtly, in a way the author could never have mapped out.

So hurrah for the library card and for excellent people like Leo Tolstoy, J.K. Rowling, Scarlett Thomas, Christopher Moore and even Dawn French! Next: Alexander McCall Smith!

This is where the whole world goes on turning, this is where we come undone.

2011-10-05T10:25:00.005+01:00

I have just finished rewatching “Inception”, a film about dreams and dreams within dreams, about reality, about perception, about the people you trust to let in.

I have also just left Iona, the place I have called home for two years now. This is not like other places I have left - university flats or holidays or residential courses. Unlike all of those, while I have left, life there goes on and that world continues to evolve without me. An ever changing community of people I have been part of continues, and although I am part of its life in many ways, I am now no longer part of its core.

I said that this is not like other places I have left, but in many ways the transition period remains the same. Like in dreams, like in the film I find it hard once I have left a place to fully remember what it was like, to be able to access those feelings, the complexity and reality. After only a few hours I felt like two years had been a dream which I was now waking up from. A dream which I loved and am remembering the joy it brought (as well as the nightmare of it all), but now that is fading fast. I have not left my parents’ house in three days. I feel tired, emotional, angry, able to be pushed at the slightest thing and I have not talked to anyone outside my immediate family who I share a house with... and perhaps your suggestion would be that I get up, open the front door, breathe in the fresh autumn air, get on a bus, phone up my friends in Edinburgh, meet up with them... But it is there that I feel paralysed. Because once I leave here; here where I know that there was another world, where I can believe I was part of it, where I feel so homesick in a way, well that is when you wake up, isn’t it? That is when you shake your head of the dream world and live in the reality you are presented with.

Of course all this talk of dreams confuses things. Of course my life on Iona was not a dream, it remains as much a part of my reality as right now does. However, that is not necessarily the perception of the thing in my mind at this precise moment in time. And that may be because of the last part I mentioned, the people you trust to let in.

I am terrible at keeping in touch with people who are not in the same place as me. It’s exactly as I have been saying; I find it incredibly hard to remember a world outside the one I am living. I would say that more than any place in my life, I have let more people in, let more people see the ‘real me’, and truly depended on other people during my time on Iona. It has only been three days, but it is this that I miss more than the constantly changing view of the Burg or the sound of rain in the cloisters. I miss waving to people as they drive by, rounding the corner into a bear hug, going to a certain place because you know that person will be there, standing in front of a group of fifty strangers for an hour and being completely yourself because you know that in an hour they will no longer be strangers...

There is no conclusion here. There’s no, ‘this is how I am going to wrap everything up prettily and make it OK’. I know that to live fully one has to leave behind where they have come from, take with them what they have learned and acquired, lay down the things that you will not be able to carry and live in hope. But that is hard right now.

So perhaps you will excuse me if I see you here and I seem distant, sad, angry, dull, empty. Or if you are elsewhere and I seem needy, clingy, or distant and aloof. None of these are a reflection on you. I care about you and I want you still to be in my life. I want to reconnect with those who I am returning to, and I want to stay connected to those I have left. I don’t know how to do it and it all seems like I’m in a bit of a trance right now. But I need to remember that all of these things are reality, and maybe for the people to remind me every now and again that they are a reality and not a figment of my imagination or part of a dream. I think that’s really the only way it works. With other people. It’s like in “Into the Wild”, “happiness is only real when shared.”

He gently whispered hope...

2011-06-12T22:05:00.004+01:00

Today is Pentecost. The coming of the Holy Spirit - God within us, forever.

Life has been hard recently. More than hard. I wrote a song when we were in the middle of just about the wildest, windiest day I've ever experienced in my life. I was on a day off and sat almost all day looking out of my living room window, which looks onto the Sound of Iona, watching the most amazingly beautiful and terrifying waves roaring down the Sound. The lyrics of the chorus and interludey bit are

Stormy sea you could carry me
away from here.
Stormy sea if I let you carry me
surely I would drown.

Little bird how do you fly headstrong into the wind?

That image of watching the tiny birds flying with all their strength into the wind and making hardly any headway, in fact being blown backwards at points, but still pushing onwards because if they didn't they would be swept away and if they didn't fly for food they would starve... that image stays with me.

I'm listening to a song I used to listen to a lot: Gabriel and the Vagabond by Foy Vance, a singer who I have seen live several times and has soundtracked my life quite a bit over the past 4 or so years. This song is about a man who has nothing left to hope for, and then this small voice whispers "hope", Gabriel the angel... through tears he asks, can't you see what's going on with me? But the reply? Hope. "Salvation is here to stay"... and a different type of tears are his response. You have to listen to the song for the rest.

Today was Pentecost. The start of the next chapter. A new hope.

There is another Foy Vance song, The Two Shades of Hope: "one the enlightening sort and the other is more like a hangman's rope... despair is not the all time low - hope deals the hardest blows".

I think my time on Iona has been framed by my struggles with hope. My inability to hope, trying to overcome that, fragile hope shattered, the emptiness of life without hope, wondering what real hope is, and beginning to feel hope, but the fear and vulnerability that comes with that.

Today, for the first time in a very long time I heard the whisper of "hope". I don't know how to respond. Well. Maybe I do, but it's going down that road again... The vagabond had every reason not to hope. But his response was Alleluia, and that Alleluia he shared... he shared the hope that he had heard first hand.

Today is Pentecost. Today we do what we do all the time, every day here: listen to someone's experience of God, someone's experience of hope, that has been passed down to us. And then what? Just believe that it was true and good for them? No, believing these words to be true we then go and look for these signs in our own lives and our world today and then live it out.

I suppose that hope and trust are quite close. I don't know if you can really have one without the other. Perhaps once you feel held, once you trust that whisper is for you, you can really live hope.

Today is Pentecost. It is scary. It is personal. It is universal. It's up to us. But we're not alone. We're held and we can trust and hope in that. I hope.

I have shattered under midnight, take me home

2011-06-06T13:35:00.003+01:00

I often find myself wanting to find words for what is going on in my life, for how I feel, for how I'm changing, for the extreme joy, the extreme pain, the extreme anger, the extreme exhaustion, the extreme love... but I can't put any of these things into words and I don't know if I'll ever be able to share what is going on sufficiently for anyone who is not "in it" to understand.

This may be the closest to how I am feeling right now:

Oh sweet peace, never have you fallen
never have you fallen upon this town
Oh sweet peace, never have you fallen
never have you fallen upon this town

The black crows are loaded
with the call of things discarded
the ribboned shard of battle
And everything burned
Have they forgotten we live here
Do they think that we gave up
lay down and grew over
weeds at every turn

Oh sweet peace, never have you fallen
never have you fallen upon this town
Oh sweet peace, never have you fallen
never have you fallen upon this town

I will not rest
until this place is full of sunlight
or at least until the darkness
is quiet for a while
And we will not wait
for that murder to come calling
The night will simply fall
and the morning will rise

Oh sweet peace, never have you fallen
never have you fallen upon this town
Oh sweet peace, when will you come calling
when will you come calling upon this town

Winter into Spring...

2011-03-12T15:26:00.005Z

I like making what used to be known in those retro days as "mix tapes", know know as playlists.... or CDs. Sometimes I make them for others, mostly just for myself. I thought since this one was quite seasonal I'd post it, since I haven't posted for a while.

Winter into Spring

click on the link and it should appear in Spotify, if you have Spotify... if not, well, then you're just not in that happy little world yet and should investigate now!

I dreamt last night of a sorrowless field...

2011-01-22T22:22:00.002Z

I've been watching a lot of The West Wing. There is a lot I don't understand (about three quarters, actually, but I like that - I like that there are things in the world that I cannot do, or understand. That there are people cleverer than me running the world). But I find the dynamic of old and young, experienced and inexperienced very interesting. There is this very fine balance, it seems, that generally the more experienced you are, the more cynical you are, the more entrenched in history... but also the wiser. The less experienced doesn't mean you don't grasp the situation, but you have more faith... and if there are changes then you are less tied to history in your approach, in what you are willing to put your faith in.

It's a fine balance. Both are needed, it seems. But they have to be aware that each other is needed. There's something about the 'arrogance of youth' that weighs it down, and the weariness of age on the other side. I suppose it also takes recognition that 'that' is where we are most probably going, and 'that' is most probably where we have come from. And then, just maybe, we can take the strengths of both to do... something.

I can taste the ocean on a sun soaked breeze.

2010-08-29T15:30:00.002+01:00

Right now I'm listening to Mark Erelli's song "Autumn", which has the repeated line

a fool would ask for more

Seems apt.

Life is good.

It's not the long walk home that will change this heart but the welcome I receive with the restart.

2010-03-07T11:43:00.006Z

I was looking through my markings in Richard Holloway's book 'Doubts and Loves' (which, despite what anyone says, I love). A particular phrase I underlined stood out at me;

[...women are increasingly liberated]...to become agents of their own destiny, within the usual limits that define us all.

I love this phrase. In my head it links with the Benjamin Button film quote I love most;

For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.

There are human limits that define the cornerstones of our lives. After that, though, the space is ours to make our own. I suppose it is simplest to look at other plots to work out what to do with our own; this can be inspiring or stifling depending on the circumstances. Then there is the way that everyone tells you it should be done, that has worked for everyone for centuries! There are lots of things that limit what we decide to do. In a sense every decision we make begins to limit, to cut off other paths. This can be terrifying. It was. Until I watched the film "High Fidelity" last year;

I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open...and that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments.

There are human limits and there are the limits we put on ourselves. I would guess that these are often the result of things that are not done rather than done. Conversations that never happened, friends that were never made, places that were never visited, emotions that were never felt... the depths of human existence are great, yes? I doubt that they can be fully experienced in a lifetime. That is probably for the best as someone living through the peaks and troughs of this would be both blessed and scarred to an unbearable extent. However, it was Jack London that wrote,

I would rather be ashes than dust!
I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it be stifled by dry rot.
I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet.
The function of man is to live, not to exist.
I shall not waste my days trying to prolong them.
I shall use my time.

To realise that you are becoming a sleepy, permanent planet is scary. To find what it is that lights every atom of your being in a magnificent glow and to follow that, to 'have the strength the start all over again', is potentially even more scary. But it is comforting to think that in this lifetime we never completely start all over again. We have our experience of life threaded through us in a way that although we may change, there is never such a thing as completely rebooting yourself.

What is the point of this? There is not a conclusion as such. Only the words from the end of the film "Into the Wild" that haunt me;

Happiness is only real when shared.

No-body talks face to face.

2010-02-26T16:49:00.000Z

You really got a hold on me...

2010-02-17T20:33:00.004Z

I've begun to read an economics book.

It's OK; you can judge me. I do!

To be straight - I don't like...wait...I don't understand economics. The book, however, is E.F. Schumacher's "Small is Beautiful: a study of economics as if people mattered". It is almost 40 years old and reading it it could have been written yesterday. Which is a little depressing as it is so revolutionary and relevant!

However, you read it and it is not all about numbers and economy growth, no it is about people mattering and caring for the world. And not in a hippie way! On the second page he writes

Modern man does not experience himself as part of nature but as an outside force destined to dominate and conquer it. He even talks of a battle with nature, forgetting that, if he won the battle, he would find himself on the losing side... The illusion of unlimited powers, nourished by astonishing scientific and technological achievements, has produced the concurrent illusion of having solved the problem of production.

Every sentence he writes is thought provoking and full of wisdom. I could quote endlessly, but will just leave you with a few more quotes and encourage you too to visit your nearest second hand book shop and look for it, or see what you can come up with!

[start of chapter 2] The dominant modern belief is that the soundest foundation of peace would be universal prosperity... [which he then goes on to argue]

The question with which to start my investigation is obviously this: Is there enough to go round? Immediately we encounter a serious difficulty: What is 'enough'? Who can tell us? Certainly not the economist who pursues 'economic growth' as the highest of values, and therefore has no concept of 'enough'. There are poor societies which have too little; but where is the rich society that says: 'Halt! We have enough? There is none.

No-one is really working for peace unless he is working primarily for the restoration of wisdom. [there is an amazing section on developing this idea.]

I really could quote from every page of this book (I have at least a phrase, if not paragraphs underlined on each page!), but for now I will simply leave you with the fact that this is a truly inspiring and challenging book that you should read!

Happy just to lie down there forever...

2010-01-02T00:10:00.005Z

Last year I did a 2008 mix tape where I had a playlist of tracks that summed up different parts of my year. This year I'm going for a slightly different blog-a-cle approach.

Last night we had a Hogmanay gathering of Iona related people where at 10pm we had an ad-hoc service, which at one point we thought about what we are thankful for in last year and what we are looking forward to and would like to pray for for this year.

I have a lot of things to be thankful for in the past year. It has not been an easy one by any stretch of the imagination. I lost a lot of things along the way, whilst finding new things. I had a few really big disappointments, but then a few unexpected wonderful surprises. So, here are a few things that I am thankful for:

For people; friends old and new, who have allowed me to be completely myself and grow with that, discovering and playing with those aspects.

For opportunities that have helped me gain confidence in myself, my own worth and ability; from my recital to volunteering on Iona to kids "work".

For finally finishing four years of University with a bang and feeling really proud of the end product. And there for all the people who throughout that time have supported, encouraged, challenged and believed in me.

For Sam, the most wonderful puppet friend anyone could hope to find in their life.

For hope lost and hope regained. The two shades of hope.

For knitting!! The joys of it and the connections made through it.

For epic musical experiences, from Karine Polwart and Joshua Radin to Yvonne Lyon and Ian Archer to end of year recitals to playing music with friends in ceilidhs, cloisters, abbeys, living rooms, and under the stars, to new albums released and discovered that have soundtracked my year.

For ending my time as part of the congregation, family and musician of St. Paul's. For the wonderfulness and hugeness that has been that place in my life and getting to 'end' with hope for them in the new minister.

For pocketed pants, the best place to keep the celestial light you collect.

For times with friends at Youth Assembly, Greenbelt, SU Camp, General Assembly, Holy City, Thanksgiving, on Iona, gigs, ceilidhs, supermarkets, Beanscene, the library, the benches in the T[r]omBone building, the cinema, the park, beaches all over Scotland, your house, my house, and more than I could write.

For our lovely wee flat that was a great home and a lovely flatmate and all the good times spent there. Our whiteboard.

For CH4 and tiny, tiny CH4s.

The stars.

For you and you and nothing but you, miles and piles of you...

And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new, and you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again, and little pieces of your soul will finally come back.

I have been thinking that I have been missing you for way too long.

2009-12-22T13:44:00.003Z

Why sometimes do things not get easier?

Why do you wake up every day and instead of it getting less it gets more?

Why can you feel the man digging the hole in your chest as time goes on?

Why does it feel like it's getting further away instead of nearer?

Why can't it be now?

I've been here before, sat on the floor in a grey, grey mood.

2009-12-10T20:28:00.003Z

I don't know what to write.

"So don't," you might respond.

It's true - I have nothing in mind that I want to share or discuss or get out. However, I feel a need to get out into the world somehow. I feel stuck on a bus in a traffic jam, put on hold, trapped in an ascending lift... I can see the next step I'm taking, even though I don't know if it will work out, and want to be getting on with it. I know that rest is important, that taking a step back, looking at things and realising what it is you're doing/feeling/thinking is good in the long term. However, now, that's getting a bit old.

I suppose it's hard to find short term things to do when you already have mid and longer term ones in your head. It feels a bit like treading water or swimming back to shore when all you want to do is swim right out on the Atlantic and catch you a fish that's bigger than gigantic! Again, yes, the rest is good. But I can rest when I get there, too.

That's all.

There's a heart I love; I'm going to take it with me when I go.

2009-12-01T18:51:00.005Z

"It's a funny thing about coming home. Looks the same, smells the same, feels the same. You'll realise what's changed is you."

and

We're all leaving; even the ones who stay behind.

2009-09-29T13:15:00.002+01:00

So, dear friends and blogettes, tomorrow I set off on the first part of my life adventure as an uninstitutionalized person. I will not be blogging/tweeting (thank goodness)/facebooking for quite a while, mainly through personal choice, and so for a last hurrah on the blog front.

I must say that I have found packing incredibly difficult. Not because I particularly want to take a lot of stuff, or because I can't go places without my favourite 'such-and-such'. Mainly because once you start packing things it is difficult to stop. I could quite happily go away right now with my flute and teddy bear, maybe CH4, and not miss anything. [In this situation that probably wouldn't be sensible and may result in frostbite, you get the point though...] However, once I start packing t-shirts I feel bad about leaving behind my 6th favourite behind when actually it's not far away in sentimental value from my 5th favourite. So should I just leave all my favourites and take a load that I don't care about at all? You see the situation on the t-shirt front alone?!

I guess life's a bit like that too. Moving from place to place you collect so many people and places, little bits and bobs so when you move on to the next bit unless you have to leave it all behind it is very hard to accept that actually you can't take it all. There is a chorus in The Weepies song 'Slow Pony Home';

And all that time, I felt just fine
I held so many people in my suitcase heart
That I had to let the whole thing go
It was taken by the wind and snow
And I still didn't know that I was waiting
For a girl on a slow pony home

The thing is when packing your bags you are 95% sure that you can come back to your room and all the things you love that you left will be sitting there (gathering dust, sure) and everything will be fine. You can't do that with people. Cause each of us is doing the same thing and it will change us as we do it. We won't be able to go back to 'that room' and they will still be sitting there, because people shouldn't gather dust. What is dust but dead matter that was once part of us; surely we mustn't stay frozen for so long that what we did manage to let go of settles on the surface!

So off into the world we go and everyone is affected by that, because that is life. I don't like this image of life as a road, a journey down a road. I don't think that we each have a path etched out for us. I think that life is more like a garden, or the countryside, where you see something that interests you over THERE and you go to check it out, and other people who have been attracted to it are there to (though maybe they saw something different over this way.) It's about exploring and meeting people along the way rather than getting to a destination.

So I'm off to explore the next bit after sitting in my little cave frightened to go anywhere proper all summer. I'm heading over to look at the sea for a bit and then who knows?! If you fancy coming along to count the rabbits then you are more than welcome to join me. (There will be knitting and singing aplenty.)

Shalenipo

I don't want to waste your time with music you don't need...

2009-09-19T17:20:00.004+01:00

Good afternoon.

I promised another Spotify playlist to fill your ears with warmth and your heart with beauty... and here it is!

If you don't know what Spotify is or how to make the following work, please refer to my last blog post about this where all shall be revealed.

Click here to open the playlist.

1. Over The Rhine - I Don't Wanna Waste Your Time

2. Lucy Schwartz - Gone Away

3. Mark Erelli - Hope Dies Last

4. Rachael Unthank and the Winterset - Blackbird

5. Low - When I Go Deaf

6. Tom Waits - Take It With Me

A fairly downbeat set, but I am finding them all very heart-touching in their own special ways. Reflective, ponderous, thoughtful and perhaps all also a little hopeful? Such is my mood.

I hope to give you another few playlists before I head off adventuring for a while.

Afraid I'm not in a chatty mood, just a listen-y one. Reap the benefits while you can!!

Enjoy!

Dear Sir, fine Sir, could you tell me is it true what's written in your book?

2009-09-13T21:43:00.003+01:00

I blogged on my anticipation of the Darwin Song Project CD about a month ago. My copy arrived a few days ago and I have been listening on repeat since, not an uncommon phenomena for a new CD with me, it must be said...

It is quite simply wonderful. You really have to get yourself a CD and lie in your bed one morning and listen to it! I would suggest a CD rather than a download, as you get a lovely booklette with the lyrics and little blurbs written by the artists about each song.

Some of the lyrics are so beautifully poetic:

Nature never did betray the heart that loves her
As I shall not forsake the heart that loves me so
When this earthly pain has passed
And your soul is free at least
Will you be waiting there to meet me when I go?

- 13. Will You Be Waiting (Polwart, Smith, McShane)
[the first line of that is actually "pinched from Wordsworth"]

Some are quite hilarious, my favourite being:

It's hard to speak about him without sinking to abuse
They say that he's an Englishman, but that's still no excuse
...
He made us smart and clever, he even gave us tools
Like guns and bombs and rifles, that shows you God's no fool.

- 16. We'll Hunt Him Down (Lowe)
[in the form of an outlaw ballad, brilliant!]

I could go on and on about the lyrics, but everything is so beautiful in this CD. The musicianship, the amazing production and mixing of a live concert, the variety of voices and styles woven together with a purity and naturalness that is so fresh.

So I direct you to places to purchase this for yourself:

Play

HMV

Amazon

or iTunes, if you are so inclined (tut).

[Also look out for another Spotify playlist in the upcoming days. Not DarwinSP related.]

There are things inside my head I can't express.

2009-09-11T21:30:00.002+01:00

http://www.steve-butler.com/troubles.htm

Full linkage and credit and everything to Steve Butler...

Troubles of my own

there are things inside my head I can’t express
turbulent and angry none the less
and the people who surround me continually astound me
they grumble and they groan
haven’t we got troubles of our own?

there are people who I meet but cannot touch
our mutual discomfort is too much
and the sadness of it all seems to underline my fall
I think I should be home - haven’t I got troubles of my own?

and love is such an undefined emotion - though it fills my mind
I hear its constant tone, rising to a drone
hovering and floating round my home

there are things we said I still don’t understand
arguments that shifted and dissolved in our hands
and in the end I think we could have saved it if we’d wanted to
by then the bird had flown
it seems we both had troubles of our own

there are ways in which I never will be whole
limitations built into my soul
and the people who surround me hurt themselves as much as me
listen to them moan, we’d rather be alone
haven’t we got troubles of our own?

I wish that your blessings alone were enough.

2009-09-07T20:47:00.005+01:00

Tonight I returned from the annual Church of Scotland's Youth Assembly. Last year I wrote rather extensively on the weekend. However, this year I shall not be blogging; it has been much too personal. Suffice to say that it seems to have been the climax of a really long, hard, intense year. But hopefully thanks to an incredible Sunday evening including pilgrimage and worship, to quote Karine, "the sun's coming over the hill".

On every whirring wing he can hear the whole world sing, 'we're all leaving'.

2009-08-17T15:05:00.005+01:00

You will perhaps know of my slight love of Karine Polwart (ah that Scottish ability for euphemism). However, I am not going to do what I do best and wax lyrical about something until absolutely no-one has any interest in it, regardless of its merits.

No, I am going to direct you to an amazing collection of songs written by 8 of the best folkie singer-songwriters from the UK and US. The project is the Darwin Song Project, formed in celebration of the bi-centennial of Charles Darwin's birth. Check out the website for more information. Basically the musicians were put in a house together for a week with a recorded concert scheduled at the end. I've not heard all the songs yet (the CD is available from major record stores at the end of the month), but the samples and the YouTube videos of the concert are incredible.

The songs seem to mainly be about 'Darwin, the man.' On this Karine said, "songs have got to have an emotional hook and you don't get that with science", and Chris Wood, "human beings absorb through narrative...the story is in the man." It is an intriguing idea that we are able to more fully absorb the science of Darwin through music providing emotion and narrative that in turn allows us to understand that the concepts Darwin developed were not developed in test tubes with shiny surfaces and abstract numbers. Rather they were born of adventure, struggle, wonder, love, heartbreak; in essence his humanity.

So before I totally put you off with my rambling I'll post you the videos, a BBC documentary that was recorded during the songwriting week and a link to some blogs written by all the artists through the BBC folk blog. And have a look at the site too, there are some beautiful pictures and more information.

Mark Erelli and Karine Polwart: Mother of Mysteries

Using a quote from On The Origin Of Species, this is just indescribable.

Emily Smith, Stu Hanna, Je Lowe and Rachael McShane: Earl of Darwin/Save a Place

Written from the perspective of Darwin's wife, Emma.

Krista Detor, Karine Polwart, Emily Smith and Rachael McShane: Clock of the World

What is it about female voices in harmony that is so beautiful and powerful? Hairs. Back of head. Attention!

Jez Lowe, Chris Wood and Mark Erelli: We'll Hunt Him Down

A little more humourous, light-hearted offering.

Karine Polwart: We're All Leaving

Not recorded at the live concert, but at a Folk Festival during the summer. My favourite, I can't stop listening to it. I also love the sound of her 'mistake' at the start. Written as a response to one of the major events in Darwin's life; his daughter Annie's death.

The BBC Radio 4 "Darwin Songs" documentary. Not too long, and very interesting insight into the process.

Page 1 of blogs

Page 2 of blogs (go to the bottom of the page)

They are reforming at the end of August to play at the Shrewsbury Folk Festival, which is going to be streamed live online! I'll be at Greenbelt (if it were possible to be slightly gutted to be at Greenbelt I would be).

Hope you enjoy! x

"alone at night"

2009-08-07T13:20:00.003+01:00

Perfect companions:

this book

and this soundtrack

This one's for the lonely; the ones that seek and find only to be let down time after time.

2009-08-02T20:08:00.006+01:00

I am putting together this little musical blog for your delectation. Simply because I am listening to some amazing music at the moment and want to share some of my newer discoveries. When I say newer I mean people that I might have listened to for some time but have only fallen in love with recently or fallen in love with something new they've released... you get the point. I love these songs/artists at the moment and want to, well, share the love.

A short note of explanation about how this and most future musical blogs will work. Due to putting mp3s on the internet being illegal and all that I will be making playlists on the truly wonderous and life changing Spotify. This means that to listen to the linked playlist you will have to go to the link, download the program if you don't already have it and then you should simply be able to click on the playlist link I will provide you with and HEY PRESTO you will be able to stream the songs into your hearts.

click to open Spotify playlist

So, a short selection today. This is so that you can really take them in. It can be annoying when you have too much to follow up - so hopefully this pocket sized selection will be just enough for you to enjoy and hopefully be able to explore...

1. Greg Laswell: Comes and Goes (in Waves)

I love this artist - I saw him live as part of the Hotel Cafe (remember that name if you have not heard of it - it will probably be mentioned rather a lot) Tour in Spring last year; one of the best gigs I've ever been to. This song seems a good way to start our selection! It's a mixture of his voice (which I think stands out as it has a real depth and soulfulness - not too whiney, which could ruin the lyrics), the lyrics and simple, but beautiful, musicality.

Also check out: How The Day Sounds, Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, And Then You

You may have heard him in the films "Confessions of a Shopaholic" and "My Sister's Keeper" which both featured his acoustic version of "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" (which I didn't realise until the wonder of Spotify).

2. Bon Iver: Blindsighted

Mediative, haunting, beautiful, heartbreaking. Listening to this man is like sitting outside a log cabin in northern Norway, with nothing but snow and ice around you and the Northern Lights moving above, a fire burning in front of you that you are warming your mittened hands to.

Also check out: Blood Band EP...actually just everything. Sit with a mug of hot chocolate and listen to his whole collection then look him up on Wikipedia or Last FM or something to find out about him.

3. Iain Archer: Frozen Lake

I feel I should have know about Iain Archer a long time before I did and listening to him playing for the first time at The Project a month or so ago I felt that his music had been hidden inside me somewhere, inherent. (Maybe it's cause he co-wrote the Snow Patrol albums, but I can't say his music is overly like it.) If you ever get the opportunity to see him live do so, there is only so much that recordings can record!

Also check out: The Acrobat, We Can All Be Friends (just cause it's lovely, lovely, lovely)

4. Alyth: I wonder what's keeping my true love tonight

There is a moment that I will never forget: sitting beside my friend Judie listening to the support act for the Unusual Suspects at Celtic Connections 2008, turning to her at the end of the song and both of us looking at each other with a look that was a mixture of disbelief, distress, sadness and wonder. The singer was Alyth and the song a cover of Suzanne Vega's The Queen and the Soldier. An incredibly powerful piece of storytelling and a song that has become one of my (our) all time favourites.

So I was very excited when this year Alyth finally got her CD out. Apart from The Queen and the Soldier (which is a bit more gutsy on the album), it was this song that provoked that same addictively heart wrenching response (although without quite the same kick at the end).

Also check out: The Queen and the Soldier

5. King Creosote: And the racket they made

I finally bought a KC album. I knew I always should have, but just never did. I now I know why I should.

I have this thing about last tracks on albums. For me they almost always seem to be the most beautiful, most poignant, the ones that I will listen to over and over again. In fact I think I've done very well to have only two out of six tracks in this playlist as last tracks! You might be getting tired of the melancholy, but I personally never could. I could listen to it all day. Wait. I do!

Also check out: Just about anything!!! 6,7,8; Church as Witness for starters... Go and get lost my friends.

6. Ruarri Joseph: There We'll Be

Another Celtic Connections find! There's not much I can say, really. The voice, the one man and his guitar that I can't resist especially with a man with such powerful performances as this, the beautiful lyrics... This is my song of the moment, I cannot stop listening to it. Just do yourself a favour and give it a go.

This is happiness for me. As Greg Laswell sings in the first song,

"Come on friends get up now, love is to be made."

Also check out: Won't Work, More Than Most, cover of Make You Feel My Love

If...

2009-07-31T13:43:00.008+01:00

I was listening to the newest Joni Mitchell album, which I bought when it came out but never really got into. The last track is a version of Rudyard Kipling's poem "If". I remembered that last year at Wimbledon the BBC had shown a video they'd made of Federer and Nadal reciting the poem just before the final. I love it when they do things like this and also found one they'd done after the World Cup in 1998. So here they are for your delectation and delight. (Also, how could I not post along with these the wonderful Irn Bru remix?!)

Federer and Nadal before Wimbledon final 2008

The end of the World Cup 1998 BBC coverage - France win over Brazil. Read by Des Lynam.

Irn Bru remix

You knit me together in my mother's womb.

2009-07-28T22:57:00.002+01:00

I recently became a knitter. It has been 39 days since I learnt how to knit from Kimmit (who was taught around 30 minutes earlier). Apparently I did learn when I was very little, but didn't pursue it, although I do now recall an early ambition/desire to knit a teddy bear.

I can't describe exactly why I am loving knitting so much. I think it has something to do with rhythm and patterns, which when repeated for an hour or few creates an inner sense of calm, of purpose and there is a naturalness to the process and a joy in watching something organically emerge. And all I have done so far are variations on 'the patch'.

I was pointed towards a knitting group that meets in the Glasgow Borders on a Sunday morning between 10am-1pm. Since I had finished at St. Paul's at the end of June, then went to camp at Glenshee, then had 2 or 3 weeks before I moved back to Tranent I decided instead of the trauma of visiting new churches I would go to this group.

Surprisingly quite a few people seemed to disapprove of this. However, I found 'knitting church' (as Sarah dubbed it) to be much better than church of a Sunday morning. The people were welcoming, so happy and delighted to teach me new stitches, explain how things worked, share with each other things that were being made, looking for help with things that were presenting a problem, and simply spend time with a group of people.

I think knitting may be one of these slightly addictive things that when you start you can't help but incorporate it into other aspects of your life. You notice all the knitting references in Harry Potter, for a start! However, after feeling like I'd lost God quite a lottle, I kind of feel that in a strange way knitting has brought me back.

My favourite Psalm (139) has these lines;

4. Even before a word is on my tongue,
O Lord, you know it completely.
5. You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
...
13. For it was you who formed my inward parts;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
...
15. My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

It's like in the TED talk about how there's this mathematical ...thing... called hyperbolic geometry that can only be modeled by crochet when mathematicians for ages had thought it impossible. One of the points she puts forward is that there are these crafts, these skills that have been developed and passed down for centuries that could be used to more effectively and more accessibly explain, prove, discover, understand things about our world.

Knitting is something that has been around for centuries... I don't know how long. Certainly in the time of King David, as you see! Why does our collective attempted interaction and with and teaching of God have to revolve around listening to someone talk, singing songs? God knit us together in the womb - is this not as intricate to our understanding and connection as individuals and a group as listening to someone talk about this passage for half an hour? Understanding that God had a plan, a pattern, that it was his hands that took the time (metaphorically speaking) to create us, that it is him that hems us in - there is no part of us that is not within God's design and that each of of us if different. Wow. But (a) I could not understand the full implications of this without myself engaging in the process and (b) is part of the point of this passage not that it is a connection and using language and imagery that we ourselves understand and can connect with...

Therefore should church not be a group of people engaging with the Bible and God-stuff in a way that uses their language, their passion, their understanding. At knitting-church there's been no mention of God, no chat about the Bible or spiritual matters. It have, however, felt closer to God there than anywhere for a long time. Like She was sitting at the table having a natter with us, sharing knitting patterns. And in a strange way, in knitting it is like creating something, sometimes such beautiful art. Who is to say that singing or music is a higher, more relevant art than knitting?

But discussions of art and God are for another day. I just wanted to share that I LOVE knitting.

To throw it to the air and watch it fall gently and leave it scattered, never pick it up.

2009-07-14T18:00:00.004+01:00

Not only one of my favourite covers ever, but one of my favourite of Foy's tracks (and that's saying something).

Simply beautiful. Much better than any inane ramblings about my life.

I think life would be so much easier if I knew no words.

2009-06-10T14:07:00.004+01:00

Words.

I've been thinking. In words.

It hurts my head. The strands of thought get twisted and confusion, doubt and frustration set in quickly. It doesn't matter what I have been thinking about. What matters is the manner in which the thinking happens.

Words are so fallible. It makes no difference if we go back to the origins of individual words, understand what exactly is meant by them (although this in itself is interesting and illuminating), words' meanings will still be affected by social effects, the context in which they are used, what the expresser's understanding and previous experience of the words are, how we translate words and sentences into our understanding and many more circumstances.

Yet we put so much emphases and importance on words. The Bible is taken to be the highest authority in Christianity; everyone of us can remember at least one thing someone has said to us, I'm sure, that has cut us to the bone; we seem to think so often that communication plays out through the words that are exchanged between people; news and information of 'importance' is related through words and the words used will seriously affect how this information is received ... the list is endless.

Yet I know within myself that when I stop my head thinking in words and move my centre of feeling, expression and attempt of understanding from my brain to my 'gut' (where I breathe from) things become clearer, the frustration and confusion diminish and without words whatever I am thinking about can really be thought.

I am not trying to say that words are completely wrong or of no importance. In our world without words I suppose a lot would cease to operate. I could argue, however, that the most important things would not, rather they would thrive. Attention to others, listening to creation, caring, loving, helping... What I am trying to say is that things are unbalanced.

There is this assumption that words are the ultimate way in which ideas, beliefs, and general communication are revealed and communicated. "The Bible is the highest authority for life and faith". But if God is in three equal parts: God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit then presumably the ways in which they speak are of equal authority and equal weight.

Okay, I'm not trying to say anything there, it's just a thought of words... and so you see: thoughts of words come so easily and tangle up around other words until you can see nothing clearly except a mess of words.

There is so much more to life than words, than thoughts made of words, than conversations made of words... which makes it ironic that I am using so many words to express this - but I have to to communicate to the society that uses words as its language.

There are other things to hear.

There are other ways to communicate.

There are other methods in which to think.

So I'm going to go and do that now.

Come on skinny love just last the year.

2009-05-26T18:56:00.005+01:00

Tomorrow is the last day of the Church of Scotland's annual General Assembly. While last year I was there as a Youth Representative, this year, due to a number of factors, I have been sitting watching and listening from the public gallery for all but the first day of the week-long proceedings.

I know that this sounds quite geeky and sad but I have really loved my week, looking forward to being in at 9:30am for worship and staying till the end of proceedings. Many of the commissioners haven't been in for as much of the assembly as me (and a few good friends) and some probably don't want to be there at all. So I thought that I'd briefly write about what it is I love about Assembly and why I have spent the week sitting for hours on end watching debate and reports, some controversial and of great interest, others more tedious and harder to concentrate and follow.

So what is it that I love about GA?

I am someone who would rather the organisation of the church didn't have to exist: I wish we could just get on with doing what Jesus wanted/wants, following him and worshiping with those we love and meet along the way. By seeing the organisation of the Church of Scotland, and all it does and makes possible for the people of Scotland and beyond, my respect and value of the church as an organisation grows and is reinforced.

There are so many people I respect and look up to who are involved in GA. From the obvious of my great hero Alan McDonald to those who get up once to make an honest, profound, touching point to those who work tirelessly behind the scenes and in the running of GA, the range of wonderful people who attend the Assembly is mind boggling. It isn't simply a case of rubbing shoulders with them, it is seeing how they hold themselves both during business and outwith that inspires and challenges my own person.

I have talked about this before, about how I love that the Church of Scotland is a church that is for the nation, how I love that the spectrum of people's beliefs, backgrounds and perspectives can be encompassed in the whole. This has been shown most tangibly in relation to human sexuality, but it is evident in lots of other debates throughout the week. It is the grace and respect with which people deal with each other in so many situations that I particularly love. It doesn't happen all the time, there are moments of tension, of ungrace, but I love that on the whole in GA there can be such diversity in one room and everyone has an equal voice and generally that voice is respected. The media would have you believe otherwise, but believe me, the respect and gracefulness that is practiced during business is one of my favourite things about assembly.

I love that some of the reports of the General Assembly, either by special commissions, task groups, or councils, have taught me so much on both the nature of people, faith, and practical application of the Bible. I am a thinker, but a lot of the time I don't see the point in thinking for thinking's sake. The Forgiveness and Proportionality report is one of the best things I have ever read! GA stretches my mind, and as someone once said, "a mind once stretched will never return to its original dimensions." So many reports do not deserve to simply gather dust, they have been thoughtfully and wonderfully worked on by some of the most intelligent and experienced people in Scotland and contain so much to learn from. I am so lucky to be able to benefit from these.

It can be frustrating sitting in the public gallery sometimes when there is debate on something you either feel passionate about, or think that you could contribute meaningfully to. However, this can sometimes work for good. For example, I was listening to the Overture by Duns Presbytery today which questioned the need for organists' requirement of Disclosure checks. Before the debate I would have wholeheartedly supported the Presbytery, however, after simply listening to the debate openly I changed my opinion on the matter. Who can say if I would have if I had been on the floor, but I know that I have learnt a lesson from that experience in listening openly to debate even if I think I know about the issue from personal experience.

These are a few of the reasons I love General Assembly so much. Add on top of that the worship, the chats, the fringe events, the friends... What is there not to love?!

I'm crazy, but I get the job done.

2009-05-15T11:31:00.003+01:00

Today I handed in the last of my university assignments, leaving only my final solo performance recital on Monday to set me free.

It's an odd feeling. One that we all have many points in our lives: when something that has been the driving force of your life for an extended period of time suddenly is coming to a close. Having no idea what I'm going to do next month never mind after I officially graduate it's all feeling a little odd - but in a good way.

In a way I can't wait for Monday. I've never been a natural performer in the sense that I get terribly nervous and this usually impinges on my playing (except, strangely, in jazz). But I feel really prepared musically and it feels like less of an exam and more like a rite of passage and a way to say to those important to me: this is what I've been doing, and here's how I've learned to express myself. Of course there is still the stress and the nerves, but since I am ready to leave Uni I know this is something I have to do, and I know that I can play the music, so all that's left is to not get in the way of myself.

I know, in relation to the big issues of the world this doesn't stand up. But in my little world at the moment it's the biggest thing happening.

So, if you're free on Monday 18th at 12pm come on down to City Halls in Glasgow, the Recital Room. Think of it as my Uni Funeral... or something like that... lol... I'll be playing four amazing pieces, all 20th century - but all very different. By Copeland, Karg-Elert, Takemitsu and Martin. Oh and I get to shout during one of them :-)

Where is love? Does it fall from skies above?

2009-05-05T18:10:00.002+01:00

With the snowballing of the Church of Scotland's General Assembly's upcoming debate on the Lochcarron and Skye Presbytery's Overture I don't want to give you my thoughts on the issue (I would only be sad and angry, and that's not the purpose of this post), rather to (a) direct you to a couple of stellar postings on the matter and (b) a small thought from yours truly about the whole situation.

(a)

Have a look at Brother Iain's bog - he has several thoughts on the ways this is being handled and on the overlooked implications of what could result! Also he gives links to several other blog postings.

Also, Stewart Culter has some words to say on the nature of the petition for the overture and again Scott Rennie.

(b)

Forcasters are saying this could cause a huge split in the church, many could potentially leave over the decision, there are already a lot of hurt people on both sides and I'm sure there are more to come.

I struggle with church, but one of the reasons I love the Church of Scotland is that it allows for a whole nation to unite and everyone in that nation is held in love and welcomed.

Grace. Love your enemies. Love one another as I have loved you. Love your neighbour as yourself.

This is a huge test of all these ideas we hold true as Christians. And I'm not simply talking about those who are for the Overture.

Can we love those who hold different ideals as us and still welcome them as people in our lives and churches?
Can we treat those who disagree with us as we ourselves would like to be treated?
Can we look past what is in the news and the petitions and the history to what Jesus did and does? And can we ourselves try to adopt that attitude?
Can we have the grace when this is over to look to heal any divides and move forward?

I have personal thoughts on this whole thing. I'm sure you do too. But let's step back from those personal opinions for a bit and look to the facts: that this is about people not ideals; that none of us are perfect and none of us KNOW for certain the 'truth' on this; that God loves all of us no matter what.

Treat each other gently.

Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.

2009-05-03T14:42:00.003+01:00

Kathy Galloway's Easter Day sermon from Iona Abbey.

Posted for a two-fold reason: (1) it is wow, (2) as a response to my last post.

http://iona.org.uk/media/easter_sunday_2009_sermon.pdf

Sounding hopeful but it's making me cry.

2009-05-02T17:51:00.002+01:00

Hope.

I don't understand it as a concept. Trust I get, Love I get, Faith I get. Hope, however... Hope I don't understand the point of.

I understand it in terms of my life, in terms of the Foy Vance song "Two Shades of Hope" where 'hope deals the hardest blow'. And yet he 'cannot help [himself] but hope.'

I find it hard to let myself hope for something. And yet without that hope are you truly able to allow yourself to fully engage in the process of the attempt? I don't have an answer, it is another genuine question.

In relation to this, one of my pet peeves is people quoting Bible passages at you during tough times or just in situations. It's not that I don't appreciate hearing the word of God, I do... To be honest it's probably me - I find words hard to take on board. Give me a hug and I feel the love, spend three hours laughing with me and I feel the love, but tell me you think I'm awesome and I don't believe you. So I do understand that someone quoting a Bible passage at me is just them saying "I don't have the words, but this guy does." But I can't feel that. It's just me and my strangeness.

Hope was in Pandora's Box. It was the last thing, left at the bottom. Why? Is it because it was one of the terrible things that could be let out into the world? I don't know.

A confusion post.

What's the use of two strong legs if you only run away?

2009-04-17T12:22:00.002+01:00

WHAT YOU DO WITH WHAT YOU'VE GOT

You must know someone like him - he was tall and strong and lean
With a body like a greyhound and a mind so sharp and keen
But his heart just like a laurel grew twisted round itself
Till almost everything he did brought pain to someone else

It's not just what you're born with
It's what you choose to bear
It's not how big your share is
It's how much you can share
It's not the fights you dreamed of
It's those you really fought
It's not what you've been given
It's what you do with what you've got

What's the use of two strong legs if you only run away
And what's the use of the finest voice if you've nothing good to say
What's the use in strength and muscle if you only push and shove
And what's the use of two good ears if you can't hear those you love

What's the use of two strong legs if you only run away
And what's the use of the finest voice, higher higher
What's the use in strength and muscle if you only push and shove
And what's the use of two good ears if you can't hear those you love

Between those who use their neighbours and those who use the cane
Between those in constant power and those in constant pain
Between those who run to glory and those who cannot run
Tell me which ones are the cripples and which ones touch the sun

Which ones touch the sun...?

One of my favourite Eddi Reader songs (written by Si Kahn). There's so much going on in my head at the moment, so many things that I need to be concentrating on, so many things that I have this pressure of having to really be at my best. Then there are gems like this that remind me that we can only work with what we have and that is what really matters.

I was watching Scrubs last night, a few of my favourite episodes with Michael J. Fox. The bit at the end of this clip [from 2:12] is the bit that is one of those gems right now. You have to know the whole episode and the characters to get it... but who doesn't understand

"if there's something you know you can do...and your mind keeps throwing up road blocks, just know you can drive right through them."

Everything I do it just comes undone.

2009-04-11T17:17:00.004+01:00

I may be in a slight fizz at this moment in time. I finally feel like I'm getting somewhere with the whole flute 'performance' thing and that the big recital in 5 weeks time will NOT be a disaster... then I go to practice today. Now, usually when I practice there is no-one else in the house/vicinity (at least no-one musical). My mum's in today and I found that I am inable to play properly with someone else around. I'm not sure exactly what I'm afraid of, but I think it's the same thing that stops me performing to my full potential. Something to do with being found out, maybe. Which seems almost excusable in a performance, but when you're practising is quite absurd, really. And infuriating.

What's that...hen?

2009-04-06T18:02:00.005+01:00

I was quite happily practising my flute this afternoon in my mum and dad's house in Tranent when I happened to look out the window. There in the flowerbeds I saw two rather large, beautiful brown hens eating mum's plants in the front. I went out to ask them politely not to eat them, as mum might return the favour if she found out, when they started to follow me round to the back garden... I decided to retreat into the house.

To make sure I wasn't hallucinating (it can happen after playing high notes for too long) I went upstairs to tell dad, who promptly went in search of his camera. Photoshoot complete, not knowing what else to do since there are no hen keepers to our knowledge near by we phoned to police station who told us to call the SSPCA. We did. They told us to contain them in a box or basket and then call them back. Easy, we said, they are quite friendly.

1 1/2 hours later we call them back.

A while later the SSPCA woman comes and after letting them escape picks them up in about 30 seconds, putting our... hilarious 'efforts' to shame. We saw they had tags round their legs and thought they might have information about their owner.

"Janine".

Or just the hen's name.

Quite enough excitement for one day thank you very much.

The best website/application in the world!

2009-04-04T10:10:00.002+01:00

I'm not kidding.

http://www.spotify.com/en/

It's free, it's completely legal... all you need is an internet connection and you can listen to a HUGEMONGOUS eclectic catalogue of music. By song, album, artist, make playlists - it's quite unbelievable.

I didn't want to wake you up, but I really want to show you something...

2009-03-27T20:12:00.004Z

Loving both music and movies you might imagine that trailers sometimes excite me a little too much. (in fact I love editing so much that I sometimes think it might be the perfect career for me). So I was blown away finding the Where The Wild Things Are trailer today. The perfect combination of a favourite book, beautiful filming and the most perfect song choice (Arcade Fire - Wake Up, special version for the trailer)

If you love it as much as me then go to this website and watch a HQ version - it's simply gorgeous!!

So following this up is another perfect film, editing, Arcade Fire movie trailer combo with a 30 second teaser for Benjamin Button (maybe my favourite film of this year so far). Wow.

I really should just persure this as a career I think.

Please let your God be bigger than what you belive.

2009-03-21T15:47:00.005Z

I have been having a few God conversations recently. About our ideas, thoughts, beliefs. What has stuck me is how God really must be so much bigger than Christianity. Than our beliefs. Than our thoughts. Than our traditions. Than what we can possibly comprehend.

A thought from an Enneagram book by Rohr

"Protestantism is a child of Catholicism and has often done the same thing to its adherents: the Church has seen to it that people are afraid of God, instead of falling in love with God."

He goes on to talk about fear and how Jesus tells us to "Fear not" and that the fruit of the spirit 'timor (domini)' ['fear (of the Lord)'] is best translated as 'awe' and based on respect, not anxiety. Is it possible to properly fall in love with God when in fear of him?

The struggle I have with Christianity and with Christians is that God is bigger than it all, but so often we try to contain God in our limited understanding and beliefs. Instead of breathing to the capacity of our lungs while knowing that the amount of air outside is limitless and we will never breathe all that, sometimes it seems that we project that the air in our lungs is all the air there is. I get overwhelmed by the greatness of God - that he can be at one huge and intimate. And yet as Christians we more often focus on the fear factor - what is right and wrong, what God wants. All he wants is for us to love him and each other. Then that is only my impression of it.

I just wish that we'd all take the lovely Iain Morrison's lyric, "please let your God be bigger than what you believe", a little more into account.

He lost poetic ethic and his songs were pathetic, and he's a failure now.

2009-03-10T17:21:00.003Z

I feel like I probably don't really have anything of interest to blog about, but I'm sitting here on the benches in Uni, just finished a quite hilarious flute lesson and about to go and play with a bunny rabbit and feel like writing a little bit.

The past few weeks have been, interesting. Uni's getting busy, even though classes have mostly either not been on or been cancelled. Maybe it's just the pressure getting to me of the "end is nigh", but I seem to be doing a lot more 'work' and positive future planning. This comes at the small cost of no Internet time (I haven't been on the Internet since Friday) and less friend time also.

I find music quite a strange thing. For practice you require many solitary hours (if you're lucky you get to rehearse with a group sometimes) and a lot of the study requires taking things apart so that you sometimes lose a certain sense of wonder about the whole thing. This isn't always the case, it also often enhances the experience. For example, you analyse a Miles Davis' solo and you see the simplicity, the complexity and then you stand back and are just in total awe of the man.

But playing music, I was thinking and then was reminded yesterday, is all about facilitation. It's not about you. It's about you allowing others into the music. And it's about you allowing yourself into the music. You have to understand others, to empathise, relate and try to tell the story in a way they will somehow understand it.

Meanwhile I am stuck in a practice room for the next two and a half months stressing about how this is all going to turn out.

It comes back to what I always said - it's all about relationships. About trying to make connections in a genuine way. I don't want my recital to be just about trying to get as good a grade as I can. What's the point in that? In a music degree you do that and perhaps you essentially fail anyway. Unless you try and make some sort of connection, with the music, with the audience, with yourself, with a spirituality, is there really any point?

I know you keep dreams locked away in your head, dare to let them out instead.

2009-02-28T20:13:00.002Z

I was at the Rugby today. First ever time even though I've had my trusty Scotland Rugby top (the best version) since I was about 15 and really quite enjoy watching rugby internationals. It got me thinking to national anthems, even unofficial anthems.

I really don't feel comfortable singing a song about "sending [England] homeward tae think again". It's all very well singing about your national heros, a golden age in your history, something you're proud of - but it seems to me that Scotland, Ireland and Wales' anthems are all about being oppressed by England. Similarly MOST national anthems seem to be about confict, or war, or using negative, more agressive languge rather than something positive.

However, it also seems that anthems that are about "good" things come out as sickly and overly sentimental. Why can't we get a balance - where we are being positive about our heritege, proud about a history of brave people, rather than having a go at the opposite side.

Anthems often seem to come out of hard times when there are these songs that rally a nation together, bring hope and pride. But why does this have to be at the expense of others?

It's just that now you're romanticizing some pain thats in your head.

2009-02-19T16:17:00.013Z

This post is coming from a variety of things that have happened recently, but I hope it doesn't seem to random and self-indulgent. However, what is a blog if not self-indulgent?

I saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (twice) and found it profoundly moving. I am constantly reminded of one particular quote near the end, where in a letter he writes,

For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.

I've always had this sense that we ARE someone. I've talked about it a lot in the past, that there is this core that is YOU. You might want to call it a soul. When I heard this I wasn't sure how to equate it with that concept. But then I was talking with a friend last night and it turned into a rather intense Margaret discussion, the type that I'm not a fan of, to be honest. I was saying all this stuff about myself: feelings, sense of self, how I can think things through rationally but it doesn't stop me feeling a certain way...blahblahblah...

Then I remembered this morning about a concept that Sarah loves, the Enneagram [click for very detailed information on this concept of 9 different personality types and how they relate to each other and themselves] and that a while ago she said I was a "4" (can't remember what 'wing' we thought). After looking at it I readily agreed. It's not something I think about a lot, and personality types aren't something I generally buy into, but due to the fact that these ones seemed to make a lot of sense and I remembered that it talked about being "fulfilled" and "unfulfilled" in your 'type' I decided to look into it again today. There is WAY too much in there that is truly accurate, if read wanting to accept things even if they don't shed you in the best light. [Of course there is some that isn't, I guess that's where the 'wings' are supposed to come in.] I could list a whole lot of quotes from the pages here that describe me and are things I have to, and am going to, work on, but that would take hours and be boring for anyone else.

I think the phrase of the past two days would have to be "Get Over It". After being given some very good Tough Love and looking at the Enneagram's detailed, um, descriptions and suggestions I think I can consolidate the Benjamin Button quote with the soul concept.

What the Enneagram says to a '4' is that feelings are transitory. You are not defined by what you feel. By becoming too inward and dwelling on feelings you withdraw from life and therefore cannot live out the '4's good aspects. I know in myself that I am very guilty of being introspective, I find it very hard to stop.

But what Benjamin Button was saying is that you can change all that. Within you there is the strength to see how your personality, your situation, the people around you, whatever... is trapping your soul and once you have seen that there is also the strength to say STOP. Enough. For me, "I am not defined by what I feel." (For others it will be different. ) I CAN go from being a 'Level 5' '4' to a 'Level 1' by realising and then working on the fact that it's not too late, there are no rules, I don't just have to be 'coping' with life, that in doing so I won't be losing ME, I'll be allowing 'me' to breathe.

Self-indulgent? Yes.
A little too into the Personality Types malarky? Yes.
But necessary? Yes.

I might need help, though.

Note from author: this post was not written in the spirit of self pity, though it may seem like it. It is, in fact, part of an attempt to kick that habit.

The sun's coming over the hill.

2009-01-07T19:33:00.008Z

I think all my blogs are going to feel like I don't really put much into them now after that last one. However, I feel like blogging again, so I'll just have to deal with that.

I bought my new diary in November this year. It was possibly the most beautiful diary I've ever seen and I was a bit scared that there wouldn't be any left by the the New Year!

The painting used is by an artist called Laurel Burch, "Spirit of Womankind" and, by a some searching, the quote is by John Vance Cheney.
The writing on the spine says

The soul would have no rainbow if the eyes had no tears.

I almost wrote a lot here about my thoughts on this quote, revolving around the fact that I don't know if I actually agree with it completely. But I've decided that is really of no consequence. There are a lot of things I love that I don't agree with. A lot of songs whose lyrics I don't agree with, but would I take away the right of that lyricist to express their struggle, grief, feelings, love? Does it stop them lying amongst my favourite songs? No. Often I've had ideas/concepts that I no longer hold true, but at the time helped me along the way and didn't hurt anyone else in the process.

I love the fact that my diary reminds me that even through the hard times there can be beauty. Not only beauty, but all the colours of the rainbow.

I think I need that in a diary.

2x0x0x8=16: 16 Songs for 2008

2009-01-01T23:56:00.001Z

I've been wanting to do a music blog since... well since before I even started this blog. Unfortunately, if you've ever experienced a Margaret-Mix-Tape you will understand that I take the compilation of music very seriously and therefore can spend literally days (it has been known to be weeks, and there is even one that is not finished from over a year ago)! So to blog about music could potentially take over my life. I think it may be the thing I love most in the world and sharing that with others, especially the people I love, gives me indescribable pleasure. Please, if you like what you hear go and check out the artists and buy their music - they are awesome and deserve to be shared as rapidly as the flu on a Glasgow bus.

So: the concept of this post is to share my year with you through music. Not necessarily through the music I have been listening to most (though some of that will probably come through), rather songs that sing of my life this year, either in lyrics or feelings or something more abstract. And what a year it has been. Tremendous highs and tremendous lows. Feeling really, REALLY happy and very, VERY miserable. A year in three very distinct parts, I realised the other day.

So here it is, sometimes with explanation, sometimes not so much. (and I'm trying not to spend TOO much time choosing the music, though I will probably fail on that part!)

Here is the mix of the music for this blog - I have included the approximate time each track starts in the file. I hope you listen to it, it's really the reason I wrote the blog.

[Ctrl + Click] this link to open the page where you can download the mix as an mp3 (it's at the bottom).

Click here to stream mix through your media player.

A Mix Tape of 2008 through the eyes of a Margaret.

1. Karine Polwart, The Good Years: [0.00] my year has been so full of stars that are my friends old and new. They made my year (the good and the bad parts, ha). Sometimes it can be like when the sky is clouded (thunder or just dreich and dull) and you can't see the stars, but you know they're there.

2. Oliver!, Consider Yourself: [3.45] a real home.
(it's the line "a cup of tea for all" that sold this song above all others for me).

3. Josh Ritter, Snow Is Gone: [9.25] this song always fills me with such elemental joy. It's the same feeling I felt in the flat of mirth and laughter.

4. John Mayer, Stop This Train: [13.30] we turned 21...yikes! "so scared of getting older, I'm only good at being young".

5. Jack Johnson, Banana Pancakes: [18.20] the baking day for my 21st, one of the highlights of my year, started with me and Judie making banana pancakes. :-)
Also, the amount of banana pancakes (and other baking) we made and consumed in our flat last year (07/08) was quite incredible. So much of this song reminds me of that happy little place, not just a song about banana pancakes (though that would have been enough for me!).
What a song.

6. Snow Patrol, Run: [21.30] Snow Patrol always seem to soundtrack hard times in the past few years. This song decided to play at one such point this year.
[I really love Leona Lewis' Live Lounge cover of this song.]

7. My Fair Lady, I've Grown Accustomed to Her Face: [27.30] it HAS been the half year of 'your face' jokes.

8. Ray LaMontagne, Be Here Now: [32.45] Youth Assembly was huge for me (as was General Assembly), I have so many feelings about it and blogged quite a bit. Still it's this song's lyrics (in particular "don't put your trust in walls, for walls will only crush you when you fall") that articulate how the weekend changed me.

9. Hello Saferide, I Though You Said Summer Is Going To Take The Pain Away: [39.00] turns out it doesn't.

10. Michael Buble, Home. [42.40]
11. Aimee Mann Invisible Ink: [46.40] sometimes you know you'll never be able to explain.
12. Aqualung: Easier To Lie. [51.30]

Two Wallis Bird songs [I can't stop listening to her, it's the combination of her music being so profound and hearing her need to express herself through music in her singing and playing.]

13. Slow Down: [54.50] "if I have this freedom it doesn't mean I'm free".

14. All For You: [59.20] sometimes songs sing what you are feeling and, if it's a sad feeling, they make you feel more sad. This song didn't - this song expressed it and let me really feel and even express my feelings just by listening (and occasionally singing along).

15. k.d. lang, Love Is Everything: [1.04.45] this has touched me very deeply over the past few months.

16. Roddy Woomble, Please Play Me Something: [1.10.30] I love this song. I think it encapsulates something, at least, of my year. There's the negative, but then "there's always a truth and there's always a new way - we're all travelling our way through the world".
Sometimes I have to remember that however happy we are, there is rarely the option to stay in that for all eternity. Part of life, I guess, is how you deal with the change that happens. I'll be honest and say I haven't dealt particularly well with a lot of my changes this year. I didn't take that old Scout motto in, "always be prepared". So many things caught me off guard, things about myself as much as anything. This song has so much of my year in it, though I couldn't explain it all.
Note to self, however,: remember, we're all travelling our way through the world... we don't sit at the picnic forever, that's not how it works. And sometimes we need to go separate ways, even if that makes the path lonely for a while.

Now we deal with those for whom life is but a carnal tomb, in which the darkness holds no power and neither does the final hour.

2008-12-29T11:46:00.001Z

Today's headlines are even more depressing than the usual economy chat. Whoever is right or wrong (if there is such a thing in these situations) it seems to me that all that is resulting is death and destruction.

Ron Ferguson wrote in The Herald today and quoted poet Seamus Heaney:

History says, Don't hope
On this side of the grave,

But then, once in a lifetime
The longed-for tidal wave
Of justice can rise up

And hope and history rhyme,
So hope for a great sea-change
On the far side of revenge.

Believe that a farther shore

Is reachable from here.

Rainbows I'm inclined to pursue.

2008-12-26T14:25:00.004Z

It wasn't much of a secret that I wasn't quite in the mood for Christmas this year. But yesterday, in particular, was great. The last few days at home have been lovely, actually. But from the watchnight service through although it was a very different Christmas from usual, it was fabulous.

As everybody has their own Christmas stories so rather than do that, in this blog I'd simply love to share some of the Christmas thoughts from the watchnight and morning services in St Andrew's and St. George's, Edinburgh (where my dad's interim minister and took the service with the lady minister).

The John Lewis slogan for this Christmas was “If you know the person, you’ll find the present". The idea being that if you really know the person you'll know the right present for THEM. If the present we needed was Jesus, what kind of people does that make us?
We've all heard that 2000 years ago the world was fixated on taxation, on the census, and meanwhile the real event was that Jesus was born!
200 years ago in 1809 any headline would be telling about the Napoleonic wars raging round Europe. However, that year Edgar Allan Poe, William Gladstone, Louis Braille, Felix Mendelssohn, Charles Darwin and Abraham Lincoln (amongst others...!) were all born. The legacy of that tumulous age hasn't been that the world's disintegration, but the world's advancement.
[this isn't what was said next, but what I thought] In this year when all anyone can seem to talk about is the economy, who will be born THIS year, who is already growing into their person to change this world forever?
We heard many stories around the Christmas story, most to do with animals it must be said. The point is not that we just make up all these accoutrements, rather that we take the story and take our own story, and bring it into our own lives, looking at it from our perspective - it's the only one we have.
Finally, the shepherds. Outcasts, living the in fields, unable to go to the temple as they worked with the sheep and goats. They were the ones to be told to go see the new born baby Jesus. There was no barrier put up for them, no priests to get past, nothing. They could stand there (though they probably didn't...) alongside kings to worship Jesus, to know, to see God.

As we drove to church on Sunday morning, passing all the closed shops (even McDonalds!), the empty streets I could only feel a joy for Christmas as it is. As my previous post shows I, as much as anyone, don't see our Christmases as perfect - consumerised etc... But I had this overwhelming sense of joy that even though there are so many people who either don't believe or know Jesus, I love so much that we have this day where so many people make an effort to be with their family, to get others something they'll like, to sit through the arguing and bantering of family meals, to have a sense that this day is special. Maybe we don't know what it's all about, totally GET what it's all about...but isn't it just great that we all feel there IS something about!!

Peace, love, grace and Christmas snuggles
x

If you reach for the stars all you get are the stars but we've found a whole new spin: if you reach for the heavens you get the stars thrown in.

2008-12-18T12:12:00.005Z

Advent. The season of waiting, preparation, expectation. We hear about it every-single-year. I don’t know if I’m just at that age when things have been repeated enough that I realised that it’s all just been the same or whether I’m just in a stage in life where everything seems to be on loop. It’s probably just me, I’ve not been in the best of places recently and haven’t been thrilled at the prospect of a season dedicated to the state of waiting for something better to come along. However, I would like to reflect and hopefully not be negative about it all. Here goes.

It’s not out of the ordinary, but I’ve been pondering on the nature of Christmas. Not “the message”, yet, but what it’s place in our, in particular MY, life is.

I was at a concert the other day (one of those choir/orchestra plus a reader of reflections and passages) where the reader (Fiona Stewart) read a piece about how we like to keep Jesus as that helpless little baby in the manger: there where he’s the saviour of the world come to us, but not the revolutionary who shocks, upturns, and asks things of us. It was one of the most brilliant things I’ve heard. It got me thinking, amongst other things, on potential. It’s something I think of a lot, it must be said, as people regularly seem to say to me that I have potential. But there has to be a point where you take that potential and do some hard graft to turn the potential into the greatness it may hold. All too often it’s so easy to sit with the potential, just getting by with that and not actually furthering it. Surely there is something of that in Christmas. Christmas is an annual event with so much potential to shatter the world and yet we simply seem to role out the same year after year. A generisation, I know, as there are people who are trying to find something different. But what if it’s not about finding something different? What if it’s using the potential within the Christmas story, within it being this annual event and instead of turning out the same old sermons (this week we got the same sermon as two years ago…!), the same old Christmas tree decorations, the same old sketches and nativities, and somehow go beyond simple connecting with the story, but bring life from the story.

Each year we’re reminded of the people who will be lonely at Christmas. Why is it suddenly so important to simply “remember” them on Christmas day? What about the rest of the year? I personally don’t think loneliness suddenly increases at Christmas, it’s there all-bloody-year-round… look into the eyes around you every day, not just imagine them on the second Sunday in advent. Don’t just visit the elderly or the sick, create a community where they along with the regular Joes who you would think are doing just fine but actually need people to recharge their souls can live. And did Jesus come and say to the disciples, “Hey here’s a stable you can all live in together and be mates, I’m off to change the world”? No. He said, “You’re my closest friends let’s go on a journey and change the world at the same time. Follow me?”

It’s not about charity, it’s not about pity, it’s not about you being in a better place than others and being able to do something for them. That was not Jesus’ attitude. God came into the world as one of us with our human limitations and showed us the potential that lies within each and everyone of us, within the world if only we’d stop waiting, preparing, expecting and start doing.

Yes, it’s great to have a celebration of Christmas every year. It’s like a flat inspection – it reminds us to tidy up, what the floor looked like, where the spare hoover bags are kept. But can we not move past that, beyond the major thoughts being about what ‘stuff’ we’ll buy people to, past trying to look for a deeper meaning – the meaning is CLEAR FOR ALL MANKIND TO SEE… that’s the point! Now can we get on with doing something about it please?

The thing about potential is that if you just keep it as potential you think you’ll never fail. If you try then you might turn out not be as great as everyone thought. You do that and you've failed anyway, really.

The thing about the Christmas story, about Jesus is that the potential is to achieve heaven on earth. As one of the new songs in the stage production of Mary Poppins says, “If you reach for the stars all you get are the stars but we've found a whole new spin: if you reach for the heavens you get the stars thrown in.”

Give thanks with a grateful heart.

2008-11-27T20:11:00.003Z

At some moments in your life you need to take a step back and give thanks. It can be for different reasons this is needed. This evening I feel alone, melancholy, and quite hopeless, like a spark has gone. Luckily for me today is Thanksgiving - the official day to remember to give thanks. A wonderful Thanksgiving feast last night started this off. Now I shall list some of the things I am thankful for in my life.

A heart that has been given so much love.
People I love so much that in missing them it serves to show how much I really love them.
Soulmates old and new.
Music that sings my soul.
Hugs.
A brain that seeing things magically.
Independence.
The sky - the stars, the colours, the clouds, the hugeness and wonder.
Strictly Come Dancing.
A big, fluffy coat that keeps me warm during the day.
A big, fluffy duvet that keeps me warm at night.
You.

What began twenty-one months ago in the depths of winter must not end on this autumn night.

2008-11-06T18:30:00.004Z

I have seen no newspaper, no radio station, no website, no tv station, no city without a reaction to the news that Barack Obama is the President elect. Everything has been said that there is to be said, I am sure. Every emotion that could be felt over the news, the event, has been felt, expressed. And yet I still have this need to write something about this momentous moment.

I said in the days running up to the election that if John McCain won I would probably cry. What I wasn't prepared for was that if Obama won I would cry. Cry doesn't seem the right word, I think 'weep' is the word. I woke to the news through text messages on my phone (I had a gig the next day so couldn't stay up to follow the happenings) and when I got into Uni went straight to the library to watch the videos on the internet. It took everything I had to stop the tears streaming down my face as I watched his acceptance speech, Jesse Jackson's beautiful face in the crowd, McCain's gracious step-down, the images from around the country, around the world, the words, the words, the faces, the feeling that this was something different, the knowledge that this was truely history.

I often feel we live in a world where it seems everything's already happened - we can't do anything new, the system is the system is the system... the great thoughts have been thought and those great men we read about are in the past, what is there to strive for now? Of course this is really simply a reaction to the hugeness of the wrongs, the change that is needed in the world, which, if you think about too much you become overwhelmed, paralysed. But I think we feel we live in quite a civilised world, although there are problems we really are quite a civilised bunch. Are we really? But yes, sometimes it feels like the big battles have been fought, the ones left are too huge for us not-so-great ones to overcome.

I really do think it is fair to say that Obama's 'victory' has made me feel that it isn't all in the past - there is the potential for greatness still, we can still make history, we can still make huge decisions that can change the world as we know it for the better. I am not simply refering to the colour of Obama's skin. Martin Luther King's famous "I Have A Dream" speech said that he wished his children would live in a world where they would NOT be judged by the colour of their skin, but the content of their character... This was as much about a fresh start, about new blood... but all this has been said by much more articulate and clever people than me.

On a very personal level Obama's 'victory' has made me... feel! The roaring of "Yes We Can" during his speech made me feel deeply that the struggles we go through, those deep rooted parts of society we think will never change really can change and one person can make a difference. I really cannot express the deepness of emotion I feel. In fact, it seems quite irrational I feel it: not being American, not having anything to do with it, not actually having much connection at all, it seems.

My one hope, my one wish (other than that the anti-Obama wing would actually look at his true character and give him a chance) is that in the wave of well wishes, in the wave of columns and letter, of opinions and challanges, that people would let Obama be himself, not simply see what they want changed and when this doesn't happen be disappointed. They talk about him as though he is the Messiah, the one who will come and everything will change! As he himself said, it will be a long road, but the first step has been made. The gate has been opened, and hopefully not closed after him!

Probably none of this came out the way I wanted, the way I really feel, but heyho... it is something. If you haven't already, watch his acceptance speech, it is just beautiful.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/us_elections_2008/7710079.stm

The answer is within you

2008-10-29T10:16:00.003Z

[note, this was written on Saturday afternoon]

Recently my life has been full of quiet little epiphanies. They’re simple, so stunningly simple that sometimes I can’t understand how I went so long worrying and thinking about the areas around them, but they seem to turn my whole being around and bring peace.

I’ve had two (yes, TWO!) this week.

Firstly, a small explanation, of sorts, behind the first one, which occurred last Sunday. If you read my recent post you’ll know that I’ve been feeling a little melancholy recently. This had partly to do with friends. Not in a bad way… It was just a case that I have these amazing friends, friends who you could say seem to complete a part of me. When I go a long time (a long time can be anything from an hour to three weeks – it seems that missing-time is not relational to normal-time) without seeing them I physically feel a huge hole. And I worry. I worry about whether they really like me. If they like me ‘enough’. If I’m really not good enough, which means that they’ll go off and abandon me (it probably all revolves around the abandonment issue, really). So that’s that. [note: Margaret Without Walls is developing in the sharing area, eh?!] Part two of the explanation: we’ve been having a trilogy of services on ‘Blessings’ in St. Paul’s. In Part One we realised our blessings: counting them, naming them. Part Two (last Sunday) was ‘Living as Blessed People’: asking the question ‘when we realise our blessings, how does this change us?’. (I’m really excited about Part Three where we’ll be ‘Harvesting Our Blessings’)

And so to the epiphany. Jamie asked us to discuss ‘what would a Blessed Person be like?’. I realised it: content. We have all these amazing blessings, these amazing friends, what’s the use in worrying about whether I can hold onto them, whether I am good enough for them, whether they really like me, whether they have other friends they like better? They are a blessing to me, with blessings of their own. It is foolish of me not to simply accept, enjoy and be eternally grateful for these blessings.

I can’t remember exactly where and when my second epiphany came. I’ve always, as many, if not most, people have, fretted about the so called ‘Meaning of Life’. I know in my heart of hearts what it’s all about. Love. Duh. But what I get more frantic in my head about is in what direction I should live my life. [there could be a long, boring spiel about this, which there won’t be] I once said to Heather, “I just wish we’d been given some sort of map, you know – it would be so much easier. I mean how do you know where you are, where you’re going…[insert more confused ranting]…what do we do when we have no map?! How do we work out where we’re going?!” Heather’s reply remains probably the best thing anyone’s ever said to me, “you look at the stars.”

And so, again, to the epiphany. I was listening to someone read the Bible, the bit where Jesus says to follow him. In that moment it all just clicked into place again. It doesn’t matter that there isn’t a map – all we have to do is follow Jesus. He’ll lead us to where we need to go.

Look at the stars… follow the star that stops over the stable… the star that was placed in motion billions of years beforehand to be seen… the star that shows us the way to Jesus… Jesus who is the Way.

I can think of better things that hearts can sing.

2008-10-14T18:18:00.004+01:00

Currently I'm sitting in Beanscene with my free cup of hot chocolate, achieved after my 10th stamp!

I'm finding this past week, in fact these past couple of weeks, quite strange. On the one hand I'm in a really good place: Uni's turning out much better than I thought it would; my new flat is lovely and I'm getting on well with my new flatmate; church is fantastic with Jamie here for this little while - it's just so fresh; I've been seeing lots of friends, more than usual... However, on the other hand as soon as I stop, as soon as it's just me there's this blanket of melancholy that overcomes me. I guess there are particular reasons...but I just find it rather annoying since life IS good right now... So why is that I have to be sad?

What the world needs now...

2008-10-07T10:59:00.004+01:00

I was sitting in my bed the other night listening to my iPod on shuffle. The song “What the World Needs Now” (lyrics)came on, the most beautiful version by Stacey Kent. It really is one of my favourite songs ever, but like another song I love (“Sorry” by Karine Polwart), one of the reasons I love the words isn’t because I agree with them, rather because they make firm in my heart what I really feel and believe.

The song is like a Psalm – crying out to God, “please, you’ve done all this amazing stuff – the mountains, the meadows, but we don’t need more of them, we just need love… for everyone.” That’s one thing I’ve always loved about the Psalms: you can agree or disagree with what they actually say about asking the Lord to smite enemies and all that, but the thing is that they all come from wanting to communicate with God what you’re feeling, really feeling. And out of that pain or joy comes the most beautiful art.

I once did a Sunday Service on the Psalms and honesty (with Postsecret) – at one point I talked about how you could say of the Psalms “people are being honest with God and God loves them for it, awesome!”, but the real challenge lies in when you connect that with John 13: 33-35 “love one another as I have loved you”. God wants us to be completely truthful and honest and talk to him, but it goes further than that – we are to accept others as God does. To want to know the secrets, the truth, the honesty whatever that is and to accept it without judgement, but with Love. To need to have people telling us when they’re disappointed or angry with us and to love them for it. And that should go both ways.

A few months ago I had a realisation. I may have blogged about this before, but I have often struggled with the concept of self, the concept of what our core is. Briefly: What is it that makes me ‘me’? I am the same person I was when I was when I was born, all the experiences and living have made me ‘me’ – but what is that core that stays constant? It suddenly hit me, our core is God. Each of our cores is God, is love, is connected. It may not make sense written down, but in my heart it does make sense and the realisation made me at peace. I think even if you don’t agree with this and you are Christian you will agree that God gave the world all his love in Jesus. In him he gave us love forever, yes?

So in my mind the love is within us, in fact we are love – made of and in love, and God has given us endless love – not even just theoretically or hypothetically.

The song says, “there are meadows and cornfields enough to grow” – it’s like we know how to do these things: we know how to sow the seeds, to reap the harvest, to make it into bread (even though we still don’t know how to share that bread equally…). When it comes to loving one another though, it’s not thought of in the same terms – that God has given us more than enough water, soil, seeds, sun and people for a harvest of love that could be so great.

What the world needs now is not for God to come riding in to give us love, for he has already done that. What the world needs now is for us to realise that it’s up to us. The potential is within us, the love is already there and all we need to do is unlock it and share it. It is something that everyone can do – there is no-one who is incapable of loving, that’s the amazing thing, one of the reasons God as our core makes so much sense to me.

And there is no place, geographical or emotional, where love cannot live. And in those places, there is God. We may be in a painful place, but that does not mean that love cannot live there and it does not mean that God cannot live there.

The way is clear if you're ready now...

2008-09-16T13:55:00.006+01:00

I'm currently sitting, shivering in the living room, watching the TV coverage of Seth Lakeman at the Cambridge Folk Festival, which was aired the other day. I can't describe how much singers like him affect me - singers who get so into the music they are playing or singing. Who let go. Who are so raw and vulnerable on stage. Who let others in.

I've been thinking a lot about some of the things Mark Yakonelli brought up in his NYA talks. In two of my previous posts I've quoted songs that reflect some of these thoughts.

I think it's time, we give it up
And figure out what's stopping us
From breathing easy, and talking straight
The way is clear if you're ready now
The volunteer is slowing down
And taking time to save himself
- Glen Hansard "Lies"
[click 3rd down on link]

Don't put your trust in walls
Cause walls will only crush you when they fall
- Ray LaMontagne "Be Here Now"
[bbc4 session video on youtube]

One of the first things Mark spoke of was the things that stop us....the things that imprison us....the things that stop us being free. I realised (it's been a slow realisation over the past few months), and articulated when we were asked to talk about this in our first encounter with our small groups, the thing that stops me being free is I build these walls around my heart. I build them to stop people hurting me, but actually they just stop anyone getting in. The words of the Ray LaMontagne song started echoing round my mind when I said this and I felt a quivering note resounding in my chest.

From that very first evening at NYA, subconsiously at first and then really at the fore of my mind, I decided I needed to get out of these walls. Even if that is trying to escape, climbing up and over, even just peeking up and whispering to the person on the other side. But I didn't want to escape my own heart (even though I sometimes wish that I could get away from myself sometimes. I mean what a strange concept of self - you spent every moment of your life in the company of this one person you gradually get to know, but you can never escape), the point is that you have to let others INTO your heart.

Later Mark started discussing freedom and walls in the terms I would actually describe them! He said, "you know what, these walls we are imprisoned behind, they don't exsist." Imagine. The way is clear if you're ready now! I must say I have had a hard time coming to terms with that thinking. There's this thing about lonliness...you feel safe. In the confines of your walls everything's neat and tidy, the way you want it. You can get used to lonliness very easily.

Imagery is a great thing, until you get too wound up in it. When your imagery starts to define rather than describe there becomes a problem, I think. We had Bible readings on the early church - on how everything was shared, how money would all be given over to the church and how a community like that worked. The last session Mark did was on seeing people. Actually seeing people. Listening. I thought...'that's hard behind a wall.' It's hard to hear when it's wrapped in layers of blankets.

Freedom. When I think of that word I think of nature. The countryside, with no manmade structures in sight. I think of the fresh air, the sun on my face or the drizzle of rain permeating my clothes. Without using the imagery to define, rather to dream, I think having learned of the walls and the prison, I now need to forget them. Was it Coltrane who said of jazz that you need to "learn and then forget". You have the knowledge, it is internalised, but now forget it....concentrate on ... the doing, I guess.

That last part doesn't really make sense, does it? I may come back and rewrite it or something. What I'm getting at though is that I will not be defined by the walls that have helped me understand - I have to move on now.

I suppose I'll post my warped thoughts, but appologies if you've read this and it doens't make any sense...

This moment contains all moments. [C.S. Lewis]

2008-09-13T21:27:00.005+01:00

I can't believe this time last week I was at Youth Assembly! Incredible how something that lasts less than 4 days takes you so much longer to recover from and how you miss something that, in hours, took up so little of your life so intensely.

People (the few I've managed to interact with in the last week) have been asking me what Youth Assembly is. Although I can blog a bit about it, it's incredibly hard to tell someone what it is. You have the purpose: creating a voice for young people in the church to then be passed onto the General Assembly. But it is so much more than its purpose. Here is where I run out of words. I can list some of my favourite things (raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens) but do these encapsulate it? No.

This is the only way I can think to describe it.

Going to NYA is going home. You go, having journeyed through the year (or two, as in my case), your back sore from carrying your load, your feet blistered from the road and your eyes and soul heavy. You kick off your shoes, sit and rest by the fire. You take off your burden, washing the dirty clothes, discarding the things you no longer need and reorganising the things you'll need at least a little longer. The you are nourished by the goodness of your mother's cooking - you had forgotten how good food could be after a long time of McDonald's burgers and Tesco value beans. And then your family are there. They hug you - an embrace to match that of the father in the Prodigal Son and then you simply sit and share the stories of your travels late into the night. Stories reflecting all the parts of the journey - joyful, painful, aweinspiring... Then, all to soon it seems, you have to go on your way. So you pack your bag, put on your shoes, humph the bag on your back again and say your goodbyes.

Of course I love metaphors a little too much, so perhaps non of that makes sense. However, it's the only way I can describe it.

I think life would be so much easier if we had no words: I'd smile at you when I was happy, shed a tear when I was sad.

2008-09-11T12:11:00.006+01:00

It's easy for God to become a whole lot of words. There was a point during Youth Assembly when I was listening to Mark Yakonelli and sitting on the floor I suddenly had this distance come between us. Don't get me wrong, I found Mark's talks so inspiring and transformative (apparently that's not a word), and words are how we communicate, learn new ideas, hear stories...but there was this point when my brain shut off saying, "you know what these are all just words, how do I know any of this is actually true? How am I meant to understand God, the immensity, the all encompassing love through words?" Mark finished talking, we were to leave and I stood up. Two arms enfolded me in a hug. I knew that all the words were more than true.

It is easy to feel God in Youth Assembly. People are telling you of God constantly: you start the day with God and throughout the day the words that speak of him are pounding in your ears. Meanwhile there is this huge love and beauty that is omnipresent throughout the Apex. I don't know how, but it seems to flow through everything we do and to feel God's presence through this is as easy and simple as breathing.

We were talking about Communism yesterday and Iain said that he used to think it was great and then realised "Communism is great in theory while Christianity is great in practice, but not the other way round." I guess this is my struggle. When God and Christianity become theoretical, when you cannot feel the community and the grace and love you really have to set your mind and your heart on those times when you did feel it and trust that was real. Mark said that NYA was the reality, that the outside world was the unreality. But it's hard to keep this concept when you are living in the world.

I'm not sure there is any grand point to this post, I may have it all wrong, but I think there's more to God than reading the Bible and having it all right in the head. It's like music - you can play all the notes, you can have the technique, but if you don't feel it, if you don't have expression and in your playing are not conecting with something greater what's the point? Of course you cannot even start unless you have some technique and the better your technique the more you can express the music. But there is more to music than notes, and there is more to God than words.

I'm gonna be free...

2008-09-10T12:04:00.004+01:00

There is a lot I want to write about Youth Assembly in this blog in the coming days. So much happened and is processing and whirling round my mind. Reading other blogs from delegates has really encouraged me and strengthened (a) my belief in the power of NYA and (b) how discussing and writing about them has real value.

In my talk for Future Church I (think) I said that after Zambia last year I didn't want to examine it too closely, I didn't want to dig too deep. Basically I didn't want to assign it to the past -that place where I felt so full and at home, that place that tranformed me, that place which holds people I love so dearly and where my heart could breathe. (Looking back in my blog there is a pretty large post near the start on this.) To be honest, last week was the first time I really, I mean really, dug deep about Zambia. All life is a journey and we learn different things from different parts, so I don't want to say that was a mistake, because I'm not sure if it was... However, NYA has been a smiliar experience, and many of the feelings I hold about Zambia I hold about NYA. Now, though, I WANT to examine, I WANT to dig deep and I know that in doing so I won't be assigning it to the past but in doing so make it a part of my present and future. I still feel something holding me back emotionally from doing this on Zambia, but I am so glad that I was asked and encouraged to talk about Zambia at NYA. It was the right time.

For now I am simply going to quote the first stanza of a song I have loved for a long time: "Lies" by Glen Hansard. I will talk more about it in future, but I think for those of you reading who were there, you will understand now.

There will be much more posting, watch this space.

I think it's time, we give it up
And figure out what's stopping us
From breathing easy, and talking straight
The way is clear if you're ready now
The volunteer is slowing down
And taking time to save himself

Let's talk about it in the morning...

2008-09-09T13:01:00.004+01:00

So, back from Youth Assembly and it has felt like a whole other dimension. It's amazing how one weekend can hold everything.

I thought this morning (well, it's afternoon now, I guess) I would simply write a couple of impressions/favourite things about Youth Assembly that, for me, make it SO special.

Firstly there is the fact that in one hour at NYA you will go through about 10 times the number of emotions you would usually in any one day! If I didn't have a blanket ban and hate that overused phrase e******l r*********r I would describe it as that.
Then there is the enthusiasm of both staff and delegates. The love for this event creates this astounding atmosphere of...well...love that I don't think we experience in our day to day church experiences or probably even in our day to day lives.
The diversity of people, opinions and attitudes, backgrounds (social and theological)...
The grace. In my first year the theme was grace, and it was the most amazing thing - the event was simply glowing in grace, it was almost like grace was the air we breathed. And this year? Although the theme itself was not grace, I still felt it everywhere I walked, sat, slept (whenever that was), talked, ate...
Acceptance. There was a big space for mental heath awareness and discussion this weekend. Many people shared openly in their personal struggles and I think for both those who listened and those who shared this was a safe and open space. I'm not sure if that helped the general atmosphere or not, but for me there really was (and has been) this feeling of 'it doesn't matter who you are or where you have come from, we're here together and you make a difference just by being here'.
Finally, for now, one of the most important things - that still, small voice. In the excitement, the emotions, the bustle and the noise there is always, I have found, a place to be still and to let your guard down. I'm not just talking of the set aside silent places. It could be a small corner after worship, or your bedroom at 5am, or sitting in the bar or outside on the grass - in NYA there is space for a quiet heart to feel, to talk and for another to listen. This is respected.
Respect.

For me this year NYA has been my church. Although I go on a Sunday morning, there is a saga there that I won't tell now, the real sense of church I get from NYA. It was the same last time. It is this safe space, where I feel that the word fellowship can actually be used (it is a word I have never used before), where the teaching of God's word is so central to everything we do and when we listen to it we really are transformed.

It is a place where grace is present, and all the bad things about it - the nittygritty bits that annoy us and the things that we moan about - do not define it... they are allowed to be washed in this amazing grace of NYA. In the hard times, in the times when you look inwards and find brokeness or walls, in the times you are challenged - these enrich and make the journey through the weekend so special.

This isn't just a place of refuge, of safety... this is a place where you can really feel - and that means pain a lot of the time. Pain is so obviously present throughout the weekend and it is almost embraced. In that embrace is it healed? Sometimes. Other times? Accepted as being a part of you that is okay: it is okay not to be okay...

Like all places in this world NYA is NOT perfect. I will say that right now in case my post sounds too idealistic: if you were reading this and hadn't been you might think, this can't be true girl, you're delusional. The thing is NYA is made of people who are imperfect - because we all are. But it is also full of this man who WAS perfect and of this God who loves us no matter what. Mark Yakonelli's talks in the morning were so rooted in his wanting us all to understand and to feel the immensity and the hugeness of the love of God for us. And also how we can be that love. I really do feel that NYA felt that love this year.

Rest your head, those who are weary laden

2008-09-08T09:04:00.002+01:00

NYA: where those who are weary are revitalized and those who come with energy leave weary.

(that could have been a better phrase had I more sleep in the tank)

Don't put your trust in walls: cause walls will only crush you when they fall

2008-09-07T14:04:00.003+01:00

Greetings from NYA! It's already half way through Sunday and that familiar feeling of "it feels like we've been here forever" and yet "time has flown" are here.

How I feel RIGHT NOW:

- Tired/Awake: 2 hours sleep last night after playing for the awesome ceilidh into the wee small hours and then some good chattage until I realised I had to lead the small worship in 3 hours mean that currently I feel slightly like a rabbit in headlights, but all is good.

- Happy in my soul!

- Challenged about: media (most recently), faith, letting self go, acceptance.

We have just come out of a really though provoking session (by which I mean I was almost banging my head off the wall at one point) on media. We had the contrast of the Bible Society woman talking about social media and what she sees as the Biblical parallel to the Babel story (Genesis 11). Most of the way through this I struggled to keep listening with an open mind. Then Stuart and team took the exact opposite route... The ideas are currently whirling round my head, along with many others that have been stirred over the past days.

I think I may take a quick powernap to get me through the rest of the afternoon.

Peace, Grace and Rubber Ducks
Mags x

I'd rather be with you...

2008-09-03T14:49:00.005+01:00

I've not blogged in a while for many reasons, but it now seems appropriate to post. This weekend I'm going to one of my favourite places: the Church of Scotland's National Youth Assembly. I missed it last year as I was in Zambia and this year I hoped that the Zambians would be able to come to NYA, but unfortunately due to timing and visas and everything they can't come. I have, however, been asked to speak a little about my Zambian experience in one of the seminars.

It's strange, because I am sure my experiences really impacted me. However, when I came back I didn't want to examine the whole thing too closely, to do real soul searching about it. I didn't want to assign it to the past and have to leave behind something that was really so close to my heart. So I've never really properly thought through how it changed me and my views on various issues.

I was a Youth Delegate at this year's General Assembly and felt really strongly and decided to comment on World Mission's Deliverance 4:

"Assure partner churches, in countries afflicted by extreme poverty, of the determination of the Church of Scotland, so far as it is able, to share with them the human and material resources needed to strengthen their impressive commitment to ensure that the church represents good news to the poor."

I said something along the lines of (it was very nervewracking and I think I may have blanked out slightly) in addition to human and material resources, actually what I had found through both our adult and youth exchanges was that pure and simple friendship was one of, if not the, most important thing that changed lives and situations.

I still don't really know what I will say on Friday. I have to sit down today and tomorrow and do some proper thinking about the whole thing. However, I may just write on NYA in general as it really is the place where I felt nourished, safe, regenerated and encouraged as a young person in the Church of Scotland. It will be very different this year: I have lots of friends from different areas of my life, from my family to my best friends, to church friends, to non church childhood friends, to best friends' family... it goes on... it could all work or it could be a nightmare.

The seminar I am speaking in is "Sacred Space and Sanctuary". I can not think of a better description of what NYA has been for me.

I had a dream I stood beneath an orange sky. With my brother and my sister standing by.

2008-03-07T12:52:00.004Z

Here's the video I made quite a while ago and couldn't post.

It's a kind of reflection. It uses video that Steve took on our visit to the Arthur Davison Children's Hospital. In this area of it kids who are either HIV/AIDs positive or are deemed 'vulnerable' come here a couple of times a week. We played and stuff for a few hours.

The video, well, when I watch it I can't help but just be filled up inside with that feeling I had. And smile. But someone else said to me that it makes them sad and want to cry. All I can say is that I didn't make it in that way - but please feel how you want to feel.

Peace, Love, Grace and Strawberry Jam
Mags x

Here's the direct YouTUbe link
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dNZEG-vpVU

You can see it in his eyes, as the people walk by... he knows they don't understand.

2008-01-24T13:58:00.000Z

Let me tell you a story.
Picture this.

You are on a Glasgow bus, you have your usual mix of people - a smithering of old ladies, a young mum, her child and her own mum, a youngish Chinese man, a few businessy looking people, up the back a group of young men and women obviously from a poor area, and you ... or me... sitting in the middle of all this.

The bus is going a different way from usual, the route has been changed due to a building that was damaged by fire, or something like that. So instead of going straight along Duke Street into town, we go down through the Barralands, along Argyll Street and up, so that you reconnect with George Square by going up through Merchant City and passing by City Chambers. People are getting on and off along this route.

When you get to the Barras the young men behind you get up to leave. You thought they were all one group, by the way things sounded, but this is obviously not the case as when they get up to leave, first the one with the slow, slightly pathetic, whimpery Glaswegian voice heads to the front. He is quite small, patchy ginger hair, what he was wearing you do not notice, but it is probably a tracksuit or suchlike. The other two follow, but he is not interested in them - only in yelling to "Amanda" to hurry up so they can still get off and get to the Barras. She isn't coming, however, she doesn't say anything, but you hear his voice getting more and more desperate as the bus pulls in at the stop, the other two get off and he is left standing there. He runs up to the back of the bus, yelling at her to come, "she knows he only has till 5 o'clock...". So far you have not heard her speak. The bus pulls out, and starts heading upwards. Amanda finally follows him to the front. She is smaller than him, also ginger, a bit plump, with quite bad acne. She follows him like a tired puppy, refuting his claims of his love as, "you just say that."

At the front, just out of your hearing range you gather he is asking the driver to let them out, as he has not yet stopped on this stretch of road. The driver isn't stopping and his pleas become aggressive, peppered with swearing and becoming more and more offensive, and desperate, as the driver won't stop and responds to him with offences. Amanda tries to hold the young man back as he become more and more irate, saying, "shut your mouth", and actually tried to physically hold his mouth shut. He claims that the driver let the other men out, but not him and finally, the driver stops at a stop that a few other people are not waiting for. The young man is right up to the glass by now, obviously yelling for the driver to take him on.

The doors open...

But wait. Let me gather the mood of the rest of the bus. The old women are staring, wide eyed at the scene, most people feeling generally uncomfortable, and that this is the type of abuse that the posters around the bus usually talk about. The male professional sitting behind the young family you saw at the start has started complaining to the grandmother. He sees this all the time, it makes him sick, that they should be "using that f***ing language around children, the d***!!" You get the picture.

So, the doors open. The small group of people step out of the bus. The young man is still yelling at the bus driver, swearing, giving him the finger... He is outside the bus.

We wait.

The bus driver's door opens, "all right then, take me then!", he shouts back. The professional who had been mouthing off, leaps up, runs to the front, yelling, "he's no worth it mate, he's no worth loosing your job over!". He pushes the driver back into his seat and then confronts the young man... He yells at him, you could hear it at the time, although now you cannot remember exactly what he is saying as now all that is ingrained in your memory is the image of this well built professional, shoving the young man... shove... shove... shove... both hands to his chest, yelling in his face. The young man, the kind you see every day in Glasgow, the kind who needed to get off at the very lowest part of town, the one with the pathetic voice with the nasal twang is pushed past the window of the little girl. Eventually he stops trying to get back at the man and starts walking away. The man, still yelling at him walks back onto the bus and stands up front with the driver, telling him he's not worth loosing his job over, whatever he had done, no matter how provoked, he would get the sack, until his stop. He gets off. You drive on through town until the bus station, where you get off to walk home.

How do you feel in those 5 minutes on the bus, or the following walk? Are there tears welling up inside? Who was the attacker, or is it no longer that black and white? Who was the man who "helped", just another bully? Is this not your social injustice, John Bell? Who, please tell me, who are the victims? And sir, would you rather have children have to listen to that language, or see a man attacking another outside your window?

Here's your social injustice. Here are your victims. Here is where instead of grace there is hate.

Complicated?
Yes.
Confusing?
Yes.
Unfair?
Yes.
What do you do?
Who do you side with?
Who do you tell?
What difference can you make?

Lord of all to thee we raise this our joyful hymn of praise.

2007-11-05T15:38:00.000Z

Hello dear reader.

Unfortunately I am still trying to get the video in a fit state to be posted... all the editing is done, but it's exporting it in format that's high enough quality bit isn't all jumpy and squigly. It shall be done soon and then I can post all the videos I've been making. Maybe not the big one I'm making, though!

I do have, however, a special treat. One of my favourite things about our time in Zambia was the singing. Randomly when we were sitting round the table having lunch or just waiting around outside or going somewhere in the bus or walking about the place... or anything... we would just start singing. We learned some Zambian songs and we taught some Scottish songs and it is just indescribable that feeling when everyone is just randomly singing in harmony! It wasn't all churchy stuff either. In bus, especially, we'd have the radio/cd player thing on and everyone would be singing along!

We sang two songs during church services as a group, which was fun!! You see during the church services there are about 4-10 choirs and they just have their little spot to sit in and then get a slot to sing. They sound INCREDIBLE! Dancing, a little conductor at the front, about 30 or more people in each choir (though there was one that only had 10)... And when they're singing everyone in the church will either be listening, joining in, cheering them on, making this funny noise that's kind of like rolling your rrr really high pitched, clapping... So singing as our own little choir, to me, just felt like we were part of the church.

The choirs would have their practice days during the week, so there would always be people singing around the church - either inside or out in the little shelters.

One of my absolute favourite moments of the entire three weeks was when we were sitting in the lunch room and we'd eaten and were all just sitting talking. I heard singing up in the church and recognised the song as my favourite Zambian song, Takwaba. I said this to Suzyo (who is the leader of one of the choirs, incidentally) and she said, "come on up and we'll join in!" I was kind of reluctant at first, would they let me?! Then Kirsty said she'd come too and we went up to the church. In the front of the church the pews had been moved back and there were maybe 7 women there just walking about singing their lungs out, dancing, with incredible harmonies and energy. Suzyo asked if we could join in and they were like, "of course". So we started to sing, to walk about, to do the actions...

Imagine a cathedral - imagine St Paul's, Westminster Abbey - imagine the choir they have there - how loud they could sing, the harmonies, the energy - now put yourself in a hot, big, African church with only 10 other people, singing your heart out... cause what else would you be doing?! This is better. This is praise! This is what music is about! Not standing in lines doing your part, but starting in a circle and then just letting the song take you where you go. Louder than most choirs would sing here, I bet!

So here's that song, a recording I made in our church the last year when the Zambians were here. It's not great quality audio-wise, but such a song.

The words are (in English, not Bemba):

There's noone, there's noone like Jesus x3
There's noone, there's noone like him.

I walk, walk, here there
I search, search, here, there
I turn around, here, there
There's noone, there's noone like him.

I can't spell the Bemba words, but if anyone wants them I can put them up.

Click here to hear takwaba.

Enjoy

Sing that heartsong far and near!

Mags x

For the joy of human love...

2007-11-02T10:44:00.000Z

I've just made a wee meditation type film on the Arthur Davison Children's Hospital. I tried to upload it, but it wasn't having anything to do with it... So I'll try again next time I'm here and write a bit about that place, cause it's awesome.

You could always come to church on Sunday and see it there.

For now,
Peace, Love and Jelly Babies

Mags x

You may tire of me as our December sun is setting, cause I'm not who I used to be.

2007-10-19T11:56:00.001+01:00

I realise I haven't been updating this blog as I said I would. There are a number of reasons for this, most of which you probably don't want to know. However, one reason is that I miss Zambia more than I could possibly put down in writing. Writing about it is hard at the moment cause I'm not quite sure what to say. But I haven't forgotten. When I finally get round to getting internet in my room I will post some nice long posts.

I haven't been gone very long but it feels like a lifetime.

2007-09-21T09:41:00.000+01:00

Welcome back to the other world.

I have been back from Zambia since Tuesday and today have decided to start writing up a bit of what happened. Before I start I have to say that I will never be able to completely explain what it was like for me to be there - what we saw, did, talked about, felt... It's like in The Hours, when Richard says

I wanted to be a writer, that's all. I wanted to write about it all. Everything that happens in a moment. The way the flowers looked when you carried them in your arms. This towel, how it smells, how it feels, this thread. All our feelings, yours and mine. The history of it, who we once were. Everything in the world. Everything all mixed up, like it's all mixed up now. And I failed. I failed. No matter what you start with it ends up being so much less.

Maybe it's just the nature of life that it is to be lived and nothing can be substitute for the actual living, for the experience. But it makes it difficult when you try to explain what something means to you, but you can't and it comes out all wrong. So, in advance I may write things that happened, or that I feel about certain things and they may come out wrong... and I will never be able to explain the feeling, though maybe someday I will be able to demonstrate it in another way. Who knows. Anyways, here goes...

There are many things I have to say about Zambia, about how I felt when I was there and about the things that happened. It's hard to know where to begin. Maybe if I start with how I am now, right at this moment.

Since I returned from that distant land I been in a kind of hangover state, post Zambia depression, you could call it. My three weeks there were possibly the best three weeks of my entire life and here everything is just in such stark contrast. We were getting the minivan back from the airport and people were saying stuff about how this is better than this was in Zambia and how they were so glad that they were about to go and do this... but all I could see was this difference. How this world just seems so totally different. Of course at the same time it is completely the same. But just what you see when you look out a bus window, when you look at the sky, when you feel the wind on your face... For the past three days I guess I've not really wanted to think about it all. But the thing is I have - amn't I a person of contradictions? I've filled my time up with the TV show Brothers and Sisters - I've watched that, looked for all the music in it etc. It really feels like I have walked back through the wardrobe out of Narnia (allbeit that journey didn't take half a minute, but 27 hours) and know that there's no way, just now, of returned to that world I just felt so much a part of, where I really felt at home and that was just so real. In a way I don't want to accept that for now that can only be a memory - I cannot live those three weeks again, they are only in my mind, they are only in pictures and film. I don't want to forget everything that happened, but in treating it as the past, like a memory it confines it to the past, where I am at the stage where I don't want to accept that - I still want it to be in the present.

Ivy Baker Priest said

The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning…

That is the mentality I have to get into now. I have to accept that the wardrobe to Narnia has closed, there's no way for me to get back there now and the next bit is taking what I lived there and applying it to that wee next bit of my life.

It really is so hard to accept that you cannot be in that place where you felt so full, so complete, where everyone was so happy to see you, where you actually liked the person you were, where although there were a lot of bad things, a lot of unfair things, for me things made sense... The thing I felt most when I was there was full. Sometime here I will feel empty... or kind of half full, inside I mean. There, even when there were hard things, or things weren't going quite right I still had this full feeling - like I was a jigsaw that was complete. I have no idea how all the pieces were put together, but I just felt there. Full. There is no other word I can think of to describe it. As soon as we left some of the group in Ndola to head down to Livingstone I felt some of that drain away. I'm afraid that person I was when I was there, who was actually a Margaret I really liked, who I could see why others would like, was left there. I just hope I'll be able to find her here and get those feelings in this world.

So that was kind of me-ish. Next time I promise to talk about the actual exchange and some of the stuff we did.

Shalilipo

Mags x

You're not that age already, please preserve us. I always intended to pickle you before you got to puberty.

2007-08-28T09:04:00.000+01:00

Yellow.

So today I am packing and then leaving for Glasgow where I'll stay with Juliet for the night and then it's 7am at the church, Wednesday morning. (That could almost have been a Simon and Garfunkle song!) We should be in Ndola at 6pm on Thursday.

Remember to wash behind your ears.

Peace
Mags x

It is at the very least a question of definitions

2007-08-21T10:00:00.000+01:00

So.

Hullo there! You have, it seems, stumbled across the ponderings and thoughtifying of me - Margaret. You may be wondering a variety of things:

Why has Margaret started this blog
Is this the only blog she keeps
What kind of stuff will be in this blog
Is it worth me coming back
Why am I here?
What is for dinner tonight?

A spattering of attempted answers could be:

Margaret is going to Zambia a week tomorrow and thought that it would be kind of cool if she kept an online blog that people could read, if they so desired. A blog that was suitable for public consumption and not just ranting off about all the things that were irritating her.
No. Well... Margaret has kind of kept a myspace blog for about 4 or 5 years now. She doesn't write in it regularly and most of the time the posts are not for other people, just for herself - and therefore it is unable to be read by anyone else.
Well, that all depends. It really depends on whether or not Margaret gets internet access. If she doesn't NOTHING will appear here. If she does it will be all about what the group are doing in Zambia, what kind of stuff they are seeing, experiencing, the people they meet, conversations had - things like that. Hopefully not too much moaning.
That depends - do you want to know what we're doing in Zambia? It also depends if we have internet access - cause if we don't... no it's not worth you coming back... although I'll write some stuff up when I get back.
In general, or on this site? Neither is a question I can answer... you need to look inside yourself for that one.
If you're smart mac and cheese.

So, there we are. Something for you to read. By now you will have deduced that in eight days, on the 29th of August 2007, I am off to Zambia will a group of 7 or 8 (whole other story) people. 6 (or 7) young people and one leader. If I get there and can write I'll talk about the people going then.

This trip is the third part of an exchange between our church (St. Paul's Provanmill in Glasgow, Scotland) and a church in Zambia (which I cannot remember the name of, terrible, I know). The first year of the exchange I was playing in an orchestra when the group was going, and so as it was my last year of that orchestra and because I had been in it for 5 years I decided that I should do the orchestra course instead of going to Zambia, which I still think was the right thing for me. So that year a group of around 12 (I think) people went out. Last year a group of Zambians came here. I was very involved in that part of the exchange. Basically, I'm really looking forward to seeing them all again as we had a great time together and had a lot of fun, and serious, times.

The nature of the exchange is looking at poverty, youth poverty, in both countries. That is the main jist of it, but of course this isn't all it is about. There are many interesting things that have come so far. For example, the big thing to do with poverty would be that where Zambia has an economic poverty, Scotland could be said to have a spiritual poverty. I have issues with this, perhaps I will talk about it more later, though. But yes, there is a very rich spiritual aspect to the Zambians who came here last year and from the experiences of those who went over the first time it, well... church certainly 'aint going to be the same as here!!

So, that's that. That the exchange, the blog... I guess all that's left is me. Eeksies! Well, I'm pretty sure that if you're here you'll be here cause you know me and therefore you may (you are, in fact encouraged) to skip over the next part which is a wee bitty about moi.

I hate talking or writing about myself. That should be the first thing!! What would you like to know if you have no idea who this strange girl chattering away is? Let's see, what would I ask? Oh, I just realised I'll have a profile - so you can have a sneaky peak on there. What's important to know though? I have just thought for about 10 minutes and really can't decide what is the essence of me. I have that problem sometimes - wondering, "what is it that makes you you? What is it that stays the same inside you as you grow up and out and acquire new information about this big, old world. What is it that stays the same even when your beliefs change, when your body changes, even if you change your name? There is something. Something that stays constant..." However, I can't seem to describe it, and you probably don't need to read about the soul searching of a wee 20 year old. I think my deamon would be a lemur. There's something for you. (If you have no idea what that means look up Phillip Pullman's Dark Materials Trilogy or deamon on Wikipedia or something... or don't)

And so, I shall leave you now which that. Injections, check. Malaria drugs, check. Passport, check. Pretty yellow skirt, check. Patience, check. Grace, check. Think I'm set.

See you in Zambia, or after if, after all that, I can't get any internet access.

Love, Peace and Grace
Mags x